When a long-term relationship dissolves, it’s never easy. For women, it can be especially tough, because of the time we’ve invested, and of course, the ever-present ticking of our biological clocks. Although you may have been looking at the exit for quite some time, when you finally work up the nerve to walk through the door it’s a huge deal. This post will discuss the reasons why she left, and why sometimes you can’t stay.

As Long As We’re Together

Starting a new relationship is exhilarating. You’ve finally found someone that gets you. Being with them feels like putting on your favorite Nike tracksuit on the weekends. All is right in the world, and you feel settled and complete. Date night, movie nights, and Valentine’s Day are all covered. This brings me back to my middle school days when I would focus all of my attention on that one special person.

If we could just hold onto that feeling everything would be golden. I loved this phase of my relationship because it brought me a sense of peace. If I’m being honest, it also gave me a sort of validation that I was worthy. Over time though, any relationship can change and morph into something that you no longer recognize.

So for those who want to know why she left, listen up…

A Lack of Respect

When your significant other no longer respects you, you feel it, and it cuts deep. It permeates every fiber of the relationship, from whether they speak highly of you to others to whether they bothered to save you the last slice of pizza. This person that you have been vulnerable with and that knows more about you than some of your family members no longer cares about what is important to you. Your needs are frequently overlooked, and your boundaries are routinely crossed. Welcome to the beginning of the end.

In one of my previous relationships, although I was somewhat aware of the unevenness within the relationship at home, when we would go out all pretext of a mutually respectful relationship fell away. At parties, while other couples joked amicably with one another, we eyed each other suspiciously. I didn’t trust him to treat me kindly. He would often look for opportunities to diminish me, and as soon as he dropped one of his classic one-liners, you could feel the air leave the room.

Other women would clutch their wine glasses nervously, grateful that at least he wasn’t their plus one. They would eye me sympathetically and quickly excuse themselves. The familiar takedown was too painful to witness.

Have you ever felt like this? Just hoping you could have a normal night out, even making yourself small to avoid triggering the bad behavior. Been there and done that. Inside you know that he no longer respects or values you, and it hurts. It’s not always like this you think to yourself, but deep down you know that’s not enough of a reason to endure this behavior. Everything comes back to that pervasive lack of respect.

A Lack of Support

Are you in one of those relationships where your significant other cheers harder for you than you do for yourself? If you are, then you are one of the lucky ones. Many of us have been or are currently in relationships where your plus one is also your biggest hater.

It’s so easy for all of us to be consumed with fear and self-doubt, and when the one person we shared our lives with adds to the pile it can be extremely hurtful. At times it can seem like they actually derive pleasure from our shortcomings and failures.

Why be in a relationship if it needs to be this way? The cycle of vulnerability and criticism that you go through wears on your spirit after a while. Once I started recognizing this in my own relationship, I started the process of walling myself off from the criticism and inching towards the door. If you have been experiencing this long-term, really consider whether you are in a place that supports your overall happiness and well-being. Allow yourself to acknowledge that this relationship might not be “it” for you.

The Friendship Factor

The very best relationships and the ones that seemed to go the distance, at least for me, are the ones where there was a strong foundation built on friendship and mutual respect. When you take the intimacy out of it, do they show up for you? Do they genuinely enjoy spending time with you, and are they present? I have an ex that to this very day I can call if I’m in a jam. Although our relationship didn’t work out, we had a strong friendship, and it lasts to this day. If you have a solid friendship foundation, it can really keep things going in tough times, but it can also make it harder to leave.

Cheating

Where do we even start? When women choose to be exclusive with a man, it is a fairly big deal. It means we actually care about you. The goal usually isn’t to see how many other guys we can get away with dating at the same time. I think this perspective is lost on most guys, although I’m sure the male ego blocks most of that out.

When a man cheats, even though it may “mean nothing” to them it can be a soul-crushing and trust-destroying experience for women. The union that you have pinned all of your hopes and dreams on is now deduced to sharing a marquee with some random chick. This is all great for the male ego, but it makes women feel like they’ve wasted a huge amount of time betting on the wrong horse. Since we connect emotionally, the pain and feeling of betrayal run deep. The assumption is then made that:

• They haven’t given you enough respect to offer you the opportunity to opt out of their double life
• They have no respect for the time investment or life you’ve created together
• They have no respect for your personal health

I’ve been cheated on before, and the gut punch you receive when you first uncover the indiscretion is indescribable. Things are never quite the same after that since the emotional connectivity and trust have been breached. Some couples can get past it, but many can’t. There is no right or wrong action, just do whatever you feel works best for you in your circumstances.

The question becomes do they love and respect us enough to spare us the pain of devaluing the bond that you share?

A Lack of Reciprocity

Who can forget the continual disappointment that comes from being in a relationship that lacks reciprocity. Dating this person is a nonstop “me” fest, and you spend all of your time propping them up and making them happy. You find yourself spending less time focused on your own personal fulfillment, and more time keeping their scales balanced. This can be really depleting for the doer in the relationship, and over time it’s a good enough reason (in my book) to keep moving.

I realize that everyone has different boundaries, so my red line may be different from yours. The important thing is to figure out what reciprocity looks like to you, and whether you’re getting anything close to it.

When you are in a loving relationship, you should celebrate each other equally, and if one person is struggling, you can be that soft place for them to fall. It is not a license to look to that one person to be your everything and solve all of your problems.

She Chose Herself

After feeling continually disrespected, diminished, devalued, and discounted, she finally had enough and chose her own happiness. When you are in a relationship that is robbing you of your personal joy and freedom, you begin to realize that for what you are receiving you are probably better off alone. So you leave.

Leaving a toxic situation allows you to focus on your own growth, and keeps you from continuing to pour yourself into a dynamic that doesn’t benefit you. You realize that this person was just a placeholder for the real thing. The real thing is someone that will love, respect, and cherish you. Someone who celebrates you, and champions your spirit.

Hold out for the real thing girl, you deserve it!

❤ Stephanie