Being a mother is an extremely rewarding experience, but it can also be challenging and super stressful at times. You’ve been given this amazing opportunity to shape and raise a human being, and you want to do things right. For first-time mothers, the thought of this can seem overwhelming even with the best coaching from close friends and relatives. This post is about how we as mothers, with so many commonalities, interact with one another and what keeps us apart.
Although all new mothers are generally going through similar angst, we usually fall into one of three main camps:
- The Working Mom
- The Stay-At-Home Mom
- The Single Mom
Each group has a shared main goal of raising good human beings, yet at times we couldn’t be more divided by our perspectives and the grace that we afford one another. Although I’ve never been a stay-at-home mom, I am lending my perspective as a working single mother.
Mission Critical
When your child comes into this world, you are beyond elated to be entrusted with this special gift. After you arrive home from the hospital and the fanfare subsides, you are met with an encroaching sense of panic followed by periods of self-doubt. At least that was my experience. You ask yourself:
- Am I enough?
- Do I actually have what it takes to be a good parent?
All of these thoughts flood your mind while you are operating in a sleep-deprived state, and it’s daunting. You begin to realize that you are making real-time decisions every day that could potentially affect your little one’s future.
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions
You are in the kitchen preparing your little one’s lunch and scrolling through Instagram when all of the sudden you come across a post from a mom who is making all vegan meals for her baby. You look down at the bowl of chicken and rice you’ve prepared and suddenly feel inadequate. That’s all it takes, and you’re off to the races.
Small considerations become big ones:
- Should my baby be Vegan?
- Should I only use organic?
- Am I using the right baby formula?
- Have I signed up for the right mommy and me classes?
- Do I have enough playdates scheduled?
All of these thoughts lead to a flood of second-guessing and self-doubt. Some moms are way better at navigating this period than others. Unfortunately, that wasn’t my story.
Distress Call
As a new mother, I was firmly ensconced in the riddled with self-doubt category. I was definitely operating from a place of fear. Although I was present and enjoying every moment of my child’s development, that nagging self-doubt sat on my shoulder with each new milestone.
I found myself looking for support and safe harbor from other mothers who were going through the same thing. Being that we were all struggling to find our footing, I thought this would be easy to find. Unfortunately, the supportive community that I was looking for was often out of reach.
Among us, there was a palpable fear that just maybe someone was “Momming” better than you. True support and game-changing advice were reserved for your besties, everyone else was on their own. Welcome to the Mommy Wars.
The Mommy Wars
The Mommy Wars are battles between different mom groups that kick off from the moment you leave the hospital. Perception is everything, and each group battles to prove that they are doing the “mommy thing” better than the rest. Different perspectives and life choices are frowned upon, and playdates become part and parcel of this game of egos.
The wars continue through grade school as friend groups are established, and on through high school where moms fight to obtain the very best tutors, schools, and college choices for their kids. If a mom wasn’t part of the “in crowd” in high school, you can rest assured her child will be, or she will die trying. This may not always be the case but…
So let’s get into the Mommy Camps.
Camp 1- The Working Moms
Whether you are married or single, many moms need to work nowadays. It may be out of necessity, but many women also feel the need to continue to build meaningful careers for themselves. As a working mom, the days are long, and your second shift starts as soon as you pick up your child from school or daycare.
Many working mothers who can afford it, hire nannies or babysitters to pick up their children and even get dinner started. Definitely a game changer. But other women sit at their work desks keeping one eye on the clock, and calculating whether they have enough time to fulfill their work obligations and make it to school pickup on time.
When you are in this situation, it’s easy to feel like you need to do more to convince your boss that you are up to fulfilling your professional obligations. The pressure is especially intense when your children are small, a time when they frequently get sick. I would always approach my boss with trepidation when my son was small, and I needed time off. I thought that having too many “emergencies” would put my job in jeopardy.
This is the stress that the working mom routinely carries, along with wondering whether her job is allowing her to be the kind of mom she always wanted to be.
FOMO- The Afterschool Hang
I remember picking up my son from preschool one day and watching a group of moms from his class happily pushing their strollers over to a nearby park. The weather was beautiful and they looked super relaxed and carefree. I stood there in my work suit watching as their figures receded into the distance, and gripped my son’s hand a little tighter. I’ll make up for it on the weekend, I told myself. They were free to spend their time giving their kids these precious memories, while I needed to rush my son over to the babysitter and return to work. I would later feel guilty that I wasn’t able to provide these impromptu childhood experiences for him.
I always felt that there was an unbridgeable gulf between myself and the stay-at-home moms. My work schedule was never conducive to being part of the mommy clique, so after a while, I just did my own thing. It would have been nice to have just been asked or included from time to time. This is how women fail each other, time and time again. Instead of finding commonalities, we use our differences to justify exclusion.
Camp 2- The Working Single Mother
A spinoff of the working mom, with the added stress of covering all the bases. As soon as you begin filling out school forms as a single parent, you begin to be viewed through a different lens, and assumptions are made. If your child is not part of a two-parent household the default perception is that you couldn’t possibly raise a happy and healthy child.
Party Of One
I was usually one of the only single parents in my son’s class. On back-to-school nights I sat alone. Ditto for parent-teacher conferences. I watched couples file in together, united in their support of their child, and resolved to focus on the amazing life I was creating for my son. I refused to be disqualified by the narrative that is often ascribed to single mothers, and I understood with certainty that good optics don’t always equate to a good childhood.
Take pride in being the outlier. Living a life that is uniquely yours regardless of what others are doing is a sign of strength.
Camp 3- The Stay-At-Home-Mom
Days of sunshine, ice cream after school, swing sets, and spontaneous playdates. This is how I romanticized the life of a stay-at-home mom. It’s funny how we envision and romanticize experiences that we aren’t part of. I think this happens on all sides of the mom experience.
Many of my friends who have opted to stay home with their children would speak of the struggles they’ve had with their choice. Although they love the time afforded them to be fully present through all aspects of their child’s early life, they also spoke of a gnawing feeling that they weren’t participating in their own professional development. This came with a deep set fear of what their sabbatical would cost them long-term.
I’m sure that there are many more layers and complexities to the stay-at-home mom experience, but we don’t often share freely with one another. No matter what camp you are in, we as women feel a compelling need to present our lives as perfect.
How It Plays Out
Now that you know the camps, let’s talk about the game. It is a game of:
- Disqualification: Moms who routinely disqualify others who have made different life choices
- Cliques: Moms who only interact with other women who they feel are living their same experience
- Exclusion: Moms who force/create friend groups that exclude other children to stack the popularity deck in their child’s favor
- Mean-Girling: Remember the mom you waved to at pickup that pretended you were invisible?
All of this bad behavior is based on wanting the best for our kids, and the fear that they somehow won’t get it. Check out the post “Mom Cliques” https://bit.ly/3AExo89.
Commonalities
Whether you are working or not, married or single, we are all women who want the best for our kids. Sure we’ve made different life choices, but one is no less valuable than the other. We really need to get behind the idea that we can all be great moms while choosing different paths. Sharing perspectives and finding commonalities is what makes us stronger.
So the next time you see a working mom juggling her briefcase while pushing a stroller at pickup, ask her if she wants to do a playdate, even if it’s on a weekend!
