At some point in a woman’s life, she may find herself alone. Maybe she’s single, or she may have recently been widowed. Either way, she faces the reality that the buck stops with her, and there’s no one to catch her if she falls. The mere idea of this can be overwhelming, and she knows that sink or swim everything is on her. She is the girl with no net.
High Stakes
When you are married or part of a couple of some sort, you usually have a certain degree of security because if one person falls short, the other will be there to pick up the slack (hopefully). You will figure things out together, as a team, and the anxiety surrounding your everyday survival is somewhat lessened.
If you are single, you have no such security. When you come up short you are just that…short. There’s no one to turn to over dinner to ask for help. With the economy and job market being what they are right now, the stress level for sole-income earners has never been greater.
As a single woman, I’ve always felt the weight of being a sole provider. I’ve felt it for so long, that its stressful presence has become my norm. This state of being is scary in many ways, but empowering at the same time. I look back sometimes and marvel at how far I’ve come and what I’ve survived. On my own.
The thought of not having that worry does seem like bliss, but don’t we always find something else to worry about anyway? What I do know, is that fear can be our biggest obstacle, and sometimes all you can do is get on with it and hope for the best.
I’m All I Need
Ever since I can remember, I’ve had a strong focus on self-protection. The need to feel safe and in control of my destiny had a heavy influence on my drive. I would push through challenges in order to secure my future independently. This had more to do with my fears than anything else, and I relied solely upon myself. I couldn’t let myself down, right? The collateral damage here was that I never felt like I could trust anyone fully with my well-being. I was so used to “taking care” of myself, I wouldn’t let anyone in.
Even if I was part of a couple, in the back of my mind I was always thinking of how I could protect myself, and I obsessed over what this vulnerability was going to cost me. Behind the scenes, I would strategize on how I would cover all of my expenses if necessary, and worse-case scenarios played like a ticker tape in my head. This would greatly impact my ability to accept help from others in the future. To me, accepting the help meant being vulnerable, and even today that is hard for me.
Good Cop/Bad Cop
When you are the sole income earner, there is no one that’s going to stop you from buying that 75″ flat-screen TV, but if you do, you better be able to cover things on the back end. I learned early on to toe the line, and never do enough damage to jeopardize my survival. I would take little risks with big-ticket items, but it was never anything too crazy. My survival depended upon this little check and balance system that I had set up for myself. In the consumer-driven world that we live in, it can become difficult to draw the line on your own harmful behavior.
When you are living with no net, you begin hedging your bets routinely. How far can you really go before risking it all? In my twenties, for some reason, I would get a thrill from walking that line between having enough and coming up short. I guess that was my way of rewarding myself for always having to be so diligent with my expenses.
Although I love being independent, I don’t love the stress that I carry with me as a sole income earner. That is the truth. Ideally, I think a partnership where I can maintain my financial independence, would be the best-case scenario. I’m just saying!
Balancing Act
Just existing in a state where you have no one to rely on is anxiety-producing. I’ve had times when I’ve really worried about how I would make it all work. During other times it felt like I was running in place, and I could never truly get ahead.
When you are under that kind of pressure, survival becomes paramount. In addition, you are under self-imposed pressure at work, because the consequences will be high if you lose your sole source of income.
In my opinion, there are several drawbacks to surviving on one income.
Stress
Just knowing that your financial mistakes can cost you everything is enough to turn anyone’s hair gray. There is an ever-present knowing that if you don’t do the right things you will pay later. You are wholly responsible for your own peace of mind, and it’s daunting. Your margin for error becomes incredibly small. Not fun at all.
Perspective
When you are taking care of everything on your own, there is no one there to balance your perspective. No one is there to stop you from buying that Louis Vuitton bag. No one to save you from yourself but yourself. Whether you are good or bad with money will determine how bumpy your ride is.
The Calvary Isn’t Coming
However, there are some definite positives to being your own judge and jury:
- Resilience– You quickly begin to suss out which things are needs vs. wants, and the importance of building your own guardrails
- Self-Confidence– There’s something to be said about a woman who’s got her own. Her walk is different because she knows that her livelihood is independent of her current partnership or lack thereof
- Clear Expectations– You are always clear on what the runway looks like, and what is within your reach
- No Power Struggles– There is no one else to consider. You are the CEO of your own financial house
At The End Of The Day…
That being said, with all of the stress that comes with being a sole-income earner, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve learned that when the chips are down, I can save myself. If you’ve ever thought that you couldn’t make it on your own, I’m here to tell you that you can. It may not be easy, but the journey will be worth it.
If you have some time, check out my previous post “Defying Expectations As A Single Woman” https://herpicketfence.com/defying-expectations-as-a-single-woman/.
Slide into the driver’s seat girlfriend and let’s go!
You got this. I promise!
