Have you ever experienced the slow burn of a toxic relationship? When you realize that the love you once knew is gone, and the floor gradually drops from beneath you. You begin to question everything about yourself and the person you once knew. Every effort, every interaction, and every reaction becomes about feeding and supporting the survival of the toxic situation. You become radically insecure and wonder how the situation could have gotten so bad. If this sounds familiar to you read on, and if it doesn’t be warned. This post is about how to heal from a toxic relationship.
How Did I Get Here
To start the healing process following your exit from a toxic relationship, you must do the work of discovery. You must determine how the relationship ended up there in the first place.
Most times the relationship starts off promising enough. The air is electric when you are together, and you thoroughly enjoy your time together. None of the outbursts and bad behavior that will become routine later, have revealed themselves yet. You don’t know it yet, but the memories of this honeymoon phase will become one of the main impediments to your exit later on. Things were so perfect, how could it go so horribly wrong? When did the train start to slide off of the tracks? These are questions that must be answered for you to fully heal.
Insidious
Toxic relationships often have a slow insidious creep. The joy that you once experienced with that person has been cruelly stripped away, and no matter where the relationship starts, the end will always be the same. At some point, the wheels will come off, and you will be left to pick up the broken pieces of your soul that lay scattered on the floor.
There are many different types of toxic personalities that show up in relationships. Here are a few:
- The Narcissist
- The Cheater
- The We Drown Together Guy
The Narcissist
The main goal of the narcissist is to envelop you in a false sense of love and security while eroding your self-esteem. This is a gradual process that has the potential to isolate you from your family and friends while broadening the narcissist’s control. The charming person that you fell for slowly disappears, and you are left with someone who is always the victim and criticizes your every move.
As your self-esteem evaporates, their approval becomes your new benchmark for success. At the beginning of the relationship, the compliments were constant and you were being consistently Love Bombed. Love bombing is when someone gives you excessive affection and attention in an effort to manipulate you later. During the love bombing phase, you were everything they could have wanted and more, and this false sense of security leaves you vulnerable to the mental anguish they will inflict later.
Over time, any guise of being in a balanced and healthy relationship falls away, and your main goal becomes keeping the narcissist happy. Every criticism that is levied by this person cuts deeper and deeper until you lose your sense of self completely.
In my opinion, this is one of the worst types. There is no upside to a relationship with a narcissist. Dating one is a toxic dance that will fray your nerves and rattle your soul. If any of this rings true for you cut your losses. You deserve better.
The Cheater
Where were you when you first realized that your man was a cheater? I’ll bet you know. He’s so great in so many ways…he loves the kids and family time rocks. However, every now and again he steps out. You initially find out accidentally. Was it the stray business card with her cell phone number on it in his pants pocket? Or maybe it was the perfume that was lingering on his shirt collar when you went to do laundry that time?
No matter how it happens, that is the first time that your world cracks open and reveals the flaws in your idyllic existence. You might confront him, or maybe you don’t. Either way, a piece of you has died, and you’re praying that it’s an isolated incident. It’s usually not. No matter how many chances are given, or how many boundaries are re-drawn the cheaters usually keep cheating.
Many of us will choose to stay to keep our families together, but even when we do, there is a silent knowing that things will never be the same. A sacrifice is being made in real-time for the bigger picture, and the toll of this betrayal unfolds over time. The integrity of the union has been damaged.
If you are single and “exclusive” with the cheater, hoping that you can hang in there and outlast the rest, think again. There will always be someone else. Men respond to standards (that you set for yourself) and firm boundaries. If you don’t have them, he will respond accordingly.
Whether you choose to stay with a cheater is your call, but the devastation that he leaves in his wake will be soul-destroying. Only you can decide when enough is enough. A true cheater will continue to live his double life without regard for your pain. You must save yourself.
We Drown Together
This relationship is defined and dominated by the toxic behaviors and vices of the other party. It may be drugs, gambling, drinking, or overspending. Whatever it is, they are doing too much of it. In order to keep the relationship viable, the non-toxic party spends most of their time cleaning up the messes. Your daily efforts become about canceling out their bad behaviors with your good ones. Over time though, the weight of the cleanup can become too much, and you will find yourself struggling to keep your own head above water.
Many times people believe that they can save a person from themselves. If they just gave them enough support, the bad behavior will cease. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. The toxic party needs to save themselves, and they need to want to do it for themselves.
If this is your situation, just know that the drive to change comes from within. Put your focus where it belongs, on enriching your own life.
The Perils of Toxicity
The common denominator in all of these toxic relationships is that you slowly lose yourself to the point that your existence is focused on servicing the toxicity. Inside you know that you are being mistreated but your fear of life without this person keeps you static.
Whether it’s one year or five, within no time your self-esteem plummets and you’ve become a shell of yourself. Outwardly, you wear a smile when meeting with friends, but inside you are experiencing deep sadness. You know the truth about your situation and it’s numbing.
Toxicity must always be identified truthfully. Lying to yourself is never the answer. Acknowledging the truth is the only way to heal and move forward.
Moving Towards Healing
It’s time to take a look under the hood. Were there patterns that your partner was exhibiting early on that you missed? I can remember when I realized I was dating a narcissist. He once lost his temper and yelled over a minor occurrence one day at the start of our relationship. I was shocked and considered being done with him altogether. He apologized profusely and begged for another chance. His charismatic mask had momentarily slipped off and I had gotten a glimpse of the real person underneath. My gut told me to leave, but I wanted to give him another chance.
Against my better judgment, I re-drew my boundaries and accepted his apology. The relationship didn’t last long though, because over time it became harder for the narcissist to keep his mask in place. Actually, I knew the relationship was over from that first incident, but by refusing to see it for what it was, I prolonged my own misery. Big mistake.
Figure out where your boundaries failed and what you might have done differently. It will serve you well in the future. Imagine how much time and anguish we could save if we acknowledged the red flags and cut our losses early. We are who we are, and self-acceptance includes drawing healthy boundaries. If you have some time check out my previous post “Meet Me Where I Am”
https://herpicketfence.com/meet-me-where-i-am/
Overstaying
As women, we often stay in relationships longer than we should. There is always a payoff to staying that we aren’t ready to acknowledge. Was it keeping the family intact? Escaping the fear of being alone? Or was it the gilded cage that we had grown accustomed to? The payoff is real or we wouldn’t be there. A lesser evil of sorts that we have chosen for ourselves. Acknowledge that.
Except in certain circumstances, overstaying almost always has collateral damage that is lasting. Time is our most precious commodity, so don’t waste it on toxicity. Get real about why you stayed and embrace your fears. Our fears are our greatest competitors. As long as we allow them to dominate our decision-making, our growth is hindered. Casting your fears aside will enable you to have healthier relationships in the future. Go brave and move forward without a net!
Renewal
So now you’re out. Good for you! It’s time to get back to the business of self-love. Take the time to figure out what is important to you, and reconnect with friends or family that you may have alienated during this tumultuous time.
Rebuild your self-esteem. You are not defined by anyone, and no one completes you. You are a magnificent masterpiece, so start believing in yourself and living life on your terms.
What passions have you missed out on while you were circling the drain with your ex? Now is the time to find out.
Most importantly, it’s time to restore your boundaries. You may even want to create new ones in some cases based on the red flags that you missed before. Put boundaries in place that will allow you to protect your inner peace next time around. Be careful about re-drawing them in the future.
If you are currently in a toxic relationship, don’t waste time waiting for them to change. Be the change and choose yourself.
Just walk out that door. Don’t look back.
If you have time, check out this article “What is a toxic Relationship”https://herpicketfence.link/l0n.
