In life, there are those that seek to include and those that seek to exclude. Welcome to the world of cliques, where membership certainly has its privileges. What is a clique exactly? A clique is defined as a small group of people with shared interests or other features in common, who spend time together and do not readily allow others to join them. Why are we still cliqued up?
We’ve all been exposed to, been a part of, or been excluded from cliques at some point in our lives. Unfortunately, this snobby refuge is still on and popping. Some things never change.
You Can’t Play With Me
Were you ever excluded in elementary school? If so, I’ll bet you can remember exactly how it went down. On Monday things were great, and by Friday you were elbowed out. Rejected, you watch as the group that plays together stays together, and you begin to realize that there won’t be any future opportunities for inclusion. A clique has formed and you are officially an outsider.
When a clique forms, the gatekeeper assumes that you couldn’t possibly share commonalities with them, and any efforts made by you to join this group usually fall flat. In a cruel fashion, the walls of exclusion are reinforced, and you are written off.
Membership Has Its Privileges
To be chosen was to be accepted and that can have a huge impact on your development as a child. As young girls, we commonly joined groups that told us that we were special (Brownies, Girl Scouts, The Drill Team). This taught us that there was strength in numbers.
Where did this lead? We became adults who sought validation by inclusion, and in turn, excluded others by default. Let’s take a closer look at some of the grownup cliques that we are forced to deal with.
The “It” Girls
Sororities
This is an example of exclusion at its finest, complete with embedded rituals and initiation rites to let members know that they are special. The bond that you form with your sorority or “line sisters” is meant to supersede any connection that might possibly be made with members outside of that organization.
Now of course as with anything else, there may be exceptions to this rule, and the sorority ties may fray over time, but the intent is still the same. Inclusion and by default exclusion. It is implied that if you are not in the sorority you are not a sister.
Sororities have been great status makers and validators during college, and many college-aged women will do whatever they can to secure a spot on the roster. To belong and be seen as special becomes paramount.
Outsider
For the women who were either uninterested or not invited to be a part of this “special” community, there is a feeling of being actively excluded. I was never a member of a sorority during my college years and bristled at the very notion of twisting myself into a pretzel to be chosen. My freedom and individuality always took precedence, and the idea of diluting that just to be part of something was unappealing to me.
To this day, I see grown women clinging to this antiquated form of validation.
Mommy Cliques
The “mother” of all cliques (excuse the pun), and previously mentioned in my post “The Mommy Wars”. https://herpicketfence.com/what-keeps-us-apart-the-mommy-wars/. This particular clique runs deep and impacts us at a time when we are super vulnerable. As soon as you drop your child off at preschool for the first time, you are officially running the motherhood gauntlet.
All Hail The Queen
There is always a Queen B of the mommy cliques. This mom will usually be the first to start a parent group chat to ensure her child is always an insider. She also routinely extends key invites to other mothers who will give her the validation she craves and boost her child’s popularity.
The group begins to gain steam as the year progresses, and the mothers start meeting for exclusive coffee dates. Overnight a new mommy clique has formed, and everyone else is on the outside looking in. I’ve seen this rinse-and-repeat cycle too many times to count. Now this is certainly not the rule, and I’m sure there are some perfectly harmless groups out there but go figure.
Collateral Damage
If you are on the popularity shortlist, membership does have its privileges, and it should be smooth sailing socially for your child for the most part. If not, there will be afternoons when your child will come home crushed when they weren’t invited to a party.
These cliques are harmful not only to the moms whom they exclude but also to the children. It is a true interruption to the organic formation of friendships.
A Universal Sisterhood
What if we decided that we all have commonalities as women and decide to build bridges to one another based on that? Wouldn’t it be cool if we connected not because we belong to the same sorority or the fact that our kids go to the same school, but because we are a sisterhood of women? Imagine that.
Let’s foster a community where we support each other, and give one another permission to be vulnerable. I’ve always been saddened by the lack of warmth we often show to one another. Have you ever been to business meetings where women eye each other competitively and suspiciously without even introducing themselves? At times I’ve tried to join conversations with women whom I’m unfamiliar with only to be pleasantly rebuffed. It truly stings.
Comfort Zones
We can do better than this. Choose to connect authentically and eschew groups that foster exclusion. The first step is acknowledging our commonalities and stepping outside of our comfort zone.
Our comfort zones keep us in the same friendships and work groups and they don’t expand our human connections. There’s a whole community of women with whom we can share experiences and learn and these resources go untapped.
Staying cliqued up keeps our universe small, so keep building bridges.
