From the time she was a little girl the assumption and dream had been that she would grow up and build her own family. She practiced feeding her dolls and spent countless afternoons in her mini kitchenette firing up the easy bake oven. The picture was very clear, even through her early twenties. She would have a family one day. The danger was in the details though, and the subtext was missing. A few ideas should have been presented for her consideration.
For one, the reality was that her fertility opportunities might be fleeting. No one told her how waiting too long to have kids might cost her an opportunity to push her very own baby carriage.
The Promise
The idea that one day my prince would come and I would have my own version of the picket-fence lifestyle was a given. I had no idea how I would get there or with whom, but the thought that it might not happen didn’t cross my mind at all.
Societal norms dictated that I should first find my prince, and then build a life. Fertility considerations never really factored in because I hadn’t found him. In our twenties, when our fertility is high, we often put motherhood on the back burner while we figure our lives out.
Unfortunately, our fertility clock is running concurrently whether we find our prince or not, leaving many of us with limited options down the road.
The Pressure
When you hit your thirties the pressure is really on. Whether you are married or single, you begin to see families being created in real-time all around you. It’s not full-on panic yet, even for the single girls that haven’t found their prince, but it’s close.
You are now fully aware that you have a biological clock, and if it’s ever going to happen for you, it better happen soon. It’s like someone telling you that if you ever want to buy a house it has to happen in the next ten years or you won’t be able to get a loan.
Societal expectations and biological considerations put a tremendous amount of pressure on young women, especially single ones.
The Single Woman Clause
Single women considering motherhood are often dissuaded by the multitude of stigmas that society attaches to single motherhood. The diminishment of single mothers exacts a very high price, and many women end up opting out of motherhood unnecessarily.
Society would have us believe that if you haven’t created the ideal conventional circumstances in your life, you shouldn’t have children. We are also continuously bombarded with subliminal and overt messages of just how unsuccessful one-parent households are.
Should we let these stigmas and generalities define our capabilities as parents single or otherwise? Absolutely not. Societal expectations are only projections, and they are by no means the end-all in anyone’s life. Build your life on your terms, and don’t be distracted by the status quo.
Her Perspective
I will never buy into the social construct that motherhood has to look a certain way to be successful. As a single parent myself, I have had my share of challenges, but when is parenting not challenging? What I can tell you with absolute certainty is that my decision to become a single parent has been 100% worth it. I’ve embraced the blessings as well as the challenges and created a loving family unit of my own.
When I decided to become a single parent, I made a plan for my life based on my circumstances, and I haven’t looked back. The key is to find a path that works for you, and forget about the Joneses.
You can choose to create your own journey just like those choose your own adventure books that we loved as kids. Who cares if no one else has done it, or you are going it alone? I’ve been to many back-to-school nights and parent conferences alone, and trust me it all works out in the end when you love and support your child.
No regrets. Live life on your terms.
If you have time, check out my previous post “Why I’m Single By Choice And Barbie Needed More Options” https://herpicketfence.com/why-im-single-by-choice-and-barbie-needed-more-options/
