It’s Over
Now that he’s gone life looks crazy different doesn’t it? No more meeting back at home base after a long day at work to share war stories. No more sharing the perfect night indoors with pizza and a night of Netflix. Your birthday and Valentine’s Day are all up in the air now. In its place is a sea of uncertainty and the crushing sense of being unmoored. Who will love you? Will I find love again? It’s time to assess your breakup status.
These are the questions that flash through your mind on that first night alone, and for weeks afterward. There will be no future check in’s or sharing of lives.
This is the hard part but also the most valuable part of the breakup. The time when we as women take stock and re-evaluate EVERYTHING.
The Losing Game
When you first go through a breakup you are moving through your days almost surreally. All of his clothes and personal effects that he used to leave at your apartment are gone. Although you may be slightly relieved if it wasn’t working, it still hurts because that sense of familiarity is gone.
Party Of One
You must now fill up your nights and weekends as a single. Many women find that their social group has disbanded over time. This can make scheduling social events to fill up your time challenging. The social life that you left behind before you became a party of two is history, and the numbers that you used to feel safe in are non-existent.
Reconcile The Loss
It’s time to reconcile the loss. It happened and he’s gone, so now you have to deal with it. I mean really sit in the pain of it. Resist the temptation to find another relationship to help you through it. Contrary to popular opinion, I never believed that the best way to get over someone was to find someone new. I always felt as though it caused more confusion. Allow yourself to feel all of the emotions that come with the loss, and resolve that you will come out stronger on the other side.
Give yourself time to mourn the relationship and everything that it meant to you, while slowly releasing your pain into the universe. Depending upon the circumstance, I like to give myself a specific time to mourn and feel sorry for myself. After that time period is over, I get up and get on with things. It’s been a great practice for me because I’ve been able to work through my pain and empower myself. This keeps you from cheating the process that will eventually restore you.
Circle Of Friends
This is a great time to reach out to your day one friends who always have your back in your time of need, so they can hold space for you. Holding space means just being there in any capacity that you need them for. There is no real problem for them to solve, you just want them there to help you feel a little less alone when you need to talk.
The Reflection Pool
Once you get used to the idea of being single again and have surrendered to the fact that there is no crystal ball to predict your future, you need to roll up your sleeves and get ready to do the real work.
Figure out what you’ve learned from this past relationship. Were there red flags that you may have ignored? Or maybe you weren’t truly right for one another at all. What could either one of you have done differently?
After the breakup is the perfect time to take a step back and examine the flaws in your relationship clearly. If you don’t take this time between relationships you are missing an opportunity for real introspection.
Were your boundaries crossed in some way? If so, now is the time to think about what you will need in place moving forward so that you can feel safe in your next relationship.
What Are Your Needs?
Did your relationship fall apart because your needs weren’t being met? Sometimes relationships become “comfortable”, and we actually stop caring about what is important to our partners. That’s when the problems really start.
Take this time to think about what will be important to you in the future. Should your next partner be a better listener? Should they also share your passions? Whatever it is, it is totally okay to align yourself with someone who will better meet your relationship needs in the future.
I’ve always done a deep dive on what went wrong in my own relationships post-breakup, but it wasn’t until I realized that I hadn’t been honoring myself in the past, that I was able to make sense of it at all.
Me Time
Now that he’s gone it’s time for for some “me time”. I’m talking bubble baths, solo spa days, happy hours with your girls, and cozy days watching your favorite shows in your pajamas. It’s your day, every day! Embrace it, love it, and live it. Think about what passions you might pursue now that you won’t be investing all of your free time in a relationship. Pamper yourself like nobody’s business. Treat yourself like the Queen that you are.
Speaking of passions, get into exploring them. What would you do all day every day if you had more time? Well now you have it, so go forth and explore everything.
Are there going to be days where you wonder where he is and what he’s doing? Absolutely, but that will all fade away with time as you explore your new reality. You‘ll be surprised how at peace you’ll be in your “new normal” after 6 months. Your passion is waiting. Find it.
Expand Your Community
Join a group that shares your passions and hang out with them on one of your free weekends. Volunteer to give back and let all that goodwill fill you with a sense of purpose. Reconnect for an old-school girls’ brunch. Just get out there. You can do it.
Truth
Breakups are hard but I promise you that you can get through it, and come out stronger. Never stay in a relationship where you are being disrespected and dishonored as a woman because you are afraid of being alone. In truth, if you are in a relationship that diminishes your spirit you are already alone. If you know it or not. When you make tough choices based on your truth, and choose the unknown, you become your own superhero. Don’t settle when the vibe is Queen.
If you have a moment, check out the prequel “Why She Left…And Why She Won’t Be Back”
https://herpicketfence.com/why-she-left-and-why-she-wont-be-back/
