I think we can all agree that conversations with our moms shape us as women. So much is communicated through those talks about their beliefs, hopes, and dreams for our future. These conversations can also influence the different paths that we take into adulthood. This post is about the conversations that we did and didn’t have with our mothers as we grew into women.
I’m the youngest of four children, and arguably the most outspoken. I was the kind of child that was constantly seeking enrichment. If I didn’t get the answers from my parents, I would figure it out alone. Most times I ended up doing just that. My parents were part of families that migrated from the South to the Northeast in the early 1900s, and they were taught from an early age to establish roots and educate the youth. Upward mobility was the priority and the singular focus of their families. I believe that because of this, communication and coaching on other topics were kept to a minimum. Topics such as finding a quality partner, setting yourself up for financial success, or even work/life balance took a back seat to “The Climb”.
Marquee
I remember a consistent ticker tape of warnings dispensed from my parents during my teenage years:
- Don’t do drugs
- Don’t get pregnant
- Don’t miss out on a good education
These warnings were repeated time and again, and after a while, they were just understood. The problem with that was that because there was so little discussion beyond that, it became challenging for me to make important life parallels and connect the dots in a meaningful way as an adult. Everything was mutually exclusive.
Unsaid
I know for sure that this pattern of limited communication was historical in my family. During conversations with my mom much later in life, she would often say “My parents never spoke to me about those things either”. Her mother, whom we called “Nana” was sweet and stoic, and at times suffered in silence. She had an amazing calm and grace about her and focused on whatever took precedence at the time. Very little was communicated between Nana and my mom in the way of coaching, so that was her baseline. Anything more than that was a bonus.
I understand now that children need coaching way beyond the basics. There are so many other areas of our lives where we could use a little help filling in the blanks. If your coaching is based upon a limited scope, it keeps you from developing a cohesive life plan that will serve your whole being. The world can be a cold and confusing place when you’re young, and proactive coaching can be a lifeline to inner peace as you mature. This is especially important for young women who are being bombarded by so many different messages on their appearance, agency over their bodies, and life choices. These conversations are vital to our very existence.
Subliminals
So let’s get to the conversations that I had with my mom. My parents got married in their mid-twenties, and my mom said many times over that she didn’t want that for me. I got the sense that she wanted me to be free and experience life on my own. This was never communicated to me directly; it was more like marriage was never suggested as a goal. As I passed through my college years, there was never any implication in the least that I should start looking for a husband. My mom never said, “Hurry up and find a husband!”. I’m grateful for that because at that age I would have surely felt deficient. The value of that union was never communicated beyond what it meant for my immediate family. In the absence of that pressure, I placed my value on other things such as my career. This can be both good and bad (more on that later).
Alternatively, I’m now learning as an adult that some mothers would encourage their daughters to start looking for a husband while in college. This can also be both good and bad. College was deemed the perfect hunting ground for a future husband. This leads me to wonder if the value-based hierarchy that we take into our twenties begins with the discussions that our mothers directly or indirectly have with us in our youth. I know that for me, my inner self wasn’t fully formed at a young age, so I used these subliminal directions from my mother as my guideposts for life. While I can see the value in finding a mate with whom you are equally yoked, I do think it can also be a distraction from your personal development.
Free in the NYC
With this perspective in hand, I focused on building a life for myself free of commitment. I began to view commitment as a sort of cage that would block all routes to fun and adventure in life. I moved to NYC and promptly disappeared into the throngs of young professionals. Things were simple and life revolved around happy hour, clubs, sample sales, dates, and boozy weekend brunches with my friends. I floated along this runaway river of freedom without a care in the world.
I planned my career path very carefully, but I was far from fastidious about planning the rest of my life beyond it. I didn’t see my life’s opportunity as being based on a single antiquated timeline. I felt better seeing my life as open-ended without limitations.
The Money Train
So, what did this life look like in practice for me? I hopscotched from one relationship to the next in my twenties. I didn’t spend much time qualifying my mates for the future, rather they were good for right now. I chased my career like nobody’s business becoming a successful pharmaceutical sales representative in no time. I thrived in that space and relished the fact that I was an independent woman who could pay her bills while living life on her terms. I poured all of myself into the career which made my NYC life possible. It didn’t occur to me that this choice would set the stage for how my next chapter in life (the thirties) would unfold (more on that later).
A Choice or Both
So which perspective wins? Societal expectations and finding your person, or building a meaningful life with a focus on personal development? Or can we do both? Should both sides of these very relevant perspectives be shared with us in these very important conversations with our moms vs. whatever position our mom happens to be leaning toward at the time? I am sure that I did not have enough maturity or perspective to ask the right questions in these conversations with my mom if they were to be had. I honestly can’t be certain that it would have changed the trajectory of my life, but I do know that the duality of the choices that women are faced with nowadays is becoming more complex.
It’s so important to have these discussions with our daughters, nieces etc. Planning a life should include transparency, and the power of choice while presenting all sides. I share these thoughts with my nieces not to disqualify their lives or positions but to empower them.
