A Numbers Game
Is it time for a dating intermission? By the time we are in our thirties, we may have dated several different types of men. Each type comes with its own list of caveats:
- The Nice Guy- If ever there was a case for a redo
- The Player- The guy you just HAD to have
- The User- We really just wanted to help him
- The Better As Friends Guy- Perfect for someone just not for me
- The Catch- Lock him down quick there’s a line
- The Clinger- I can’t be your everything
I know you’ve dated at least one or two of the types on this list. Initially, We all dive in full of hope and anticipation, not really knowing whom or what we’ve signed up for. We show up in our cutest outfits for dates with them, thinking this just might be it for us. As we squeeze into an empty space at the bar, we hope against hope that this will be a story that we can share with our kids later in life. The night you met their dad.
The numbers game isn’t for the faint of heart, and you truly have to be up for playing. Although I believe it is important to work on manifesting what you want in life, at times it becomes difficult to sift through the mountains of “possibilities” that await you.
This crazy game of Russian Roulette continues until it finally stops. It stops when you get married, or you get too tired to drag your favorite pair of pumps out of the closet one more time.
The Case for a Dating Intermission
A less explored option is taking what I like to call a “Dating Intermission”. A period of time where you kick off your high heels, do something restorative for yourself, and just “be”. You start this intermission by giving yourself a moment to sit back and figure your life out independent of a plus one. This post is about the three instances where a Dating Intermission might be just what you need.
1. You Are Hyperfocused On Dating Outcomes
Time
This is a big one, especially for women in their thirties. We become so focused on the time constraints surrounding building a family (fertility etc.), that we put pressure on whatever relationship we are in at the time. This pressure happens regardless of whether we are being treated well or not. Competing messages of what we should actually be doing flood our heads. Will I still be able to have kids if this doesn’t work out? Do I even want to be married to this man? Decisions.
Will He Or Won’t He
Many nights are spent on edge wondering if and when our partner will give us a signal that this relationship is actually headed somewhere. We spend a crazy amount of time trying to decipher men’s signals. If they only knew how much time we spent on the phone with our girlfriends looking for breadcrumbs of hope they would be mortified.
The pressure intensifies when we’ve been in a long-term relationship, and we feel like it’s not progressing. I remember a relationship with one boyfriend in particular where I felt this way. I knew our lives were going in different directions, and I was filled with anxiety because I had invested two years of my life with this man. Although I knew things weren’t right, I had a hard time walking away. Anything to keep from running the relationship gauntlet again.
Ultimately we did end up going our separate ways, but in retrospect, I realized that we were never meant to move forward long-term. My hyperfocus and overinvestment in the outcome kept me from seeing things as they really were.
Considerations
When we hyperfocus on an outcome that we need to achieve just for “achievement’s sake”, it really clouds our judgment. This pursuit takes precedence over important considerations that you would normally take into account before making a commitment:
- Are you with the right person?
- Are your values aligned?
- Are you facing in the same direction from a goals perspective?
The old adage that couples tend to spend more time planning the wedding than they do planning a life together seems to hold some water.
Dating Apps
You’ve downloaded more dating apps than you care to recite, and you begin relegating all potentials to daytime coffee dates vs. dinner. You slowly begin to realize that the quantity is there, but the quality is lacking. Finding a guy that you are actually interested in dating becomes akin to finding a parking spot in midtown Manhattan during rush hour. Let’s call it Dating App Exhaustion.
When you find yourself caught in the above-mentioned cycles, this is the perfect time for a dating intermission. If you’ve become exhausted and jaded by apps and outcomes, take a step back and take the pressure (and your high heels) off. Let the universe take over for a while, and live your life.
2. The Pursuit Is Affecting Your Joy
When you are chasing a partnership it is really easy to fall into the trap of viewing your life through a lens of deficiency. If you are feeling diminished because you are not part of a partnership, it might be time to take a break from dating to focus on what you do have. Start from a place of gratitude, and the rest will follow.
This is also the perfect time to explore your inner peace. Are there activities that bring you joy that you can do solo? When you center yourself and focus on your own joy and happiness, you can be an even better partner when you do find someone. The key is to understand that you are fine on your own and a partnership would just be a complement to your current life.
So take a step back and breathe. I promise you that whether your dating intermission is one month or one year, it will be restorative. I’ve taken breaks at different periods in my life to focus on my own wellness, and it has truly strengthened my character. Take the time, it will be an amazing journey.
3. There Are No Gaps In Your Dating History
If you have no gaps in your dating history and have literally jumped from one relationship to another, hit the pause button. Sometimes the fear of being alone can make you scramble to fill a chair that should be kept empty for a while. When you don’t take breaks in between relationships, you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to learn from them and reflect on what worked and what didn’t.
Check out my post “Waiting for Permission”, where I discuss the importance of living your life independently with or without a plus one https://herpicketfence.com/waiting-for-permission-an-unconventional-life/.
Being able to stand alone and be okay is a superpower. Challenge yourself to really be okay with being single. Go to a holiday party by yourself amidst all of the couples, and find peace in your position. Never allow your standing or perceived status as a human being to be diminished by circumstance. We are no less valuable alone than we are as a couple.
I took some time between my relationships to figure out if there were any red flags that I might have missed, and what boundaries would be important for me moving forward.
If you have trouble asserting yourself in relationships, take a moment to figure out how you can step authentically into your next one. Identify ways in which you might not have been truly showing up for yourself. Maybe you have a tough time identifying the type of guy who is right for you vs. what you are attracted to.
This information can only be gleaned by taking a step back. It is much easier to figure all of these things out when you are not focused on making someone else happy. Check out this article called “Why I’m Taking a Break From Dating” by Olivia Hancock https://bit.ly/3SU3YK7.
Why It Works
There are no downsides to taking a Dating Intermission, and you actually gain introspection and clarity. You must first buy into the idea that you CAN be okay being single, and then a whole world opens up. When I realized I couldn’t wait around for the perfect relationship to come along, I started exploring the world in a completely different way. Things I would previously never think about doing on my own became doable.
Life is a beautiful gift, so live it. You can do this.
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