Motherhood is one of those things that most little girls think or even dream about. From a young age, the idea of having a family one day has been baked into the cake. It would happen for all of us right? Not necessarily. As the nuclear family continues to evolve, the decision to become a mother has become increasingly complex. The number of women who are unmarried these days has increased, and many women have decided to have children on their own. Is this an idea that you’ve been kicking around for a while? Let’s get rid of the single mother stigma.
Where’s My Ride?
When I was in my twenties I had a singular focus on career and fun. I didn’t have a care in the world. When I hit my thirties though, something unsettling happened. I was struck with a true maternal urge. I’m not talking about cooing over a friend’s newborn, I mean a legitimate “I want a child of my own” situation. Many of my friends were getting married and settling down, but I definitely wasn’t in the position to take that leap. I did feel sure about taking the leap into motherhood though.
The Order Of Things
I was genuinely confused by my sudden maternal pangs. Weren’t things supposed to happen in a certain order? First marriage with Mr. Right, and then a baby? Not in my case.
I never had a stack of Brides magazines on my nightstand nor did I have a vision board with a huge diamond ring on it. While other women drooled over engagement rings and wedding dresses, I had stroller envy. I was incredibly in love with the idea of nurturing my own little human.
This presented a quandary for me because in society single mothers are rarely celebrated. Unless you’ve somehow been able to create and mold a future thought leader, most people just crossed their fingers that children of single parents would actually make it.
The Stigma We Carry
The continual devaluation of single mothers places an unnecessary burden on women who are considering motherhood but haven’t met the right person yet. Before the baby even arrives, people begin quoting statistics and making parallels between the children that come out of single-parent vs two-parent homes.
This view of single mothers is antiquated, toxic, and harmful to society in general. Women are constantly being harangued about how loud our biological clocks are ticking, yet when we do decide to move forward in a way that makes sense for us, we are judged harshly.
We all have friends who actually wanted children but were told that they couldn’t do it on their own. Guess what? They didn’t. Should we continue to let society dictate whether we will ever be mothers based on an outdated social norm?
At some point, I realized that my timing and what I want are solely at my discretion. My life didn’t need to look like everyone else’s. That realization and reckoning were a huge step for me in my journey toward parenthood.
Maternal Reckoning
If you are considering your options, there are a couple of key questions that you need to ask yourself…
Do You Want Children?
This is the easy one. When you want certain things for yourself, you usually try to do your best with them. Regardless of whether you are married or single, the only limitations to what you can do as a parent are the ones you place on yourself.
Do You Believe That You Can Provide Your Child A Good Life?
By good life, I mean one with love, food, and shelter. When my son was young, he would always say that we needed more people in our house. I remember explaining to him that families come in all sizes and variations and all that mattered was that our house was full of love. It’s important for you to realize that you can build a fantastic family life outside of the traditional social construct. If you believe it, you can achieve it.
Are You Willing To Let Society Dictate Your Life Choices?
We are all people with different lives and situationships. Just because things have been done one way forever doesn’t mean they need to stay that way.
Single Motherhood In Practice
Party Of One
Depending upon your current co-parenting situation or lack thereof you may find yourself sitting alone at school recitals or back-to-school nights, and that’s totally okay. Support your child and keep it moving.
So Much Love
Kids need love, and as a single mother, I’ve been able to spend quality time with my child while building a strong foundation for him to go out into the world. One thing I know for sure is that kids remember the time that you spend with them.
Go Brave
Write your own script and ignore the haters that say it can’t be done well. A single mother can be a phenomenal parent.
The Happy Home Myth
Every two-parent home is not a happy one. Sometimes it’s better to provide a peaceful home life for your child even if it means going solo. A toxic home environment isn’t good for anyone, especially children.
The Best Thing I Ever Did
I became a single parent in my thirties and it was without a doubt the best thing that I ever did. I’ve learned and grown so much, and we’ve grown together! I wouldn’t change a thing.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re too old, or your child will be doomed if you go it alone. Get out of that matrix because it’s not real.
If you have a moment, check out my previous post “For Her Consideration…”
https://herpicketfence.com/for-her-consideration/
