The dating game is getting crazy, so much so, that it’s taking real effort to continue putting ourselves out there. Many of us have been witness to all types of bad behavior by our so-called “options”. Most of the nonsense we take on the chin, and give these potential suitors the benefit of the doubt, but many of these clowns should get cut from consideration much earlier. Let’s get into benching.
When someone is benched it means they are put on the sidelines until they learn how to act right. I actually recommend it as the ultimate game-changer.
Honeymooners-Phase One
When you first start dating someone, you both show up as the best version of yourselves. We tuck away any flaws that might make them second-guess their swipe. If ignorance is bliss, this is definitely the time for it. We finally have a candidate to fill up all of those empty spaces and holiday plus-one events.
Sorry to say it, but for women, this is when we go off the grid and start thinking about the best place to set up a registry. The fantasy is the solution, and that is all that matters. Could he be our “person”? Has our knight finally arrived? Will this be enough to get me out of the dating scene for good?
The Real Tea
The problem is that men look at dating as an opportunity to mingle and have fun, and women look at it as a means to an end. Because our heads are in the clouds, we miss all of the clues that will tell us if the relationship has a shot at going the distance.
When his follow-up starts to fall off, we end up sticking by his side because he has already been assigned to our fantasy. He becomes center stage in our quest for the picket fence.
Trouble Ahead-Phase Two
At this point, you’ve successfully skated through the honeymoon phase and missed a ton of red flags along the way. You’ve arrived at an even trickier phase. I’ll call it “I bagged my hottie and now I can be who I really am” phase for men.
This is when the cracks really start to show. They know that they’ve got us, so they spend a little less time making us feel special and bump us down on their priority list. They start to return your calls a little slower, or stop being as attentive as they were before.
Now this is the period that we need to pay close attention to our boundaries, and how we are allowing ourselves to be treated. How are you being treated now that things aren’t so new?
You need to take a moment and evaluate his behavior to see if he is interacting with you in a genuine way. If he is that’s great, but if not take the focus off of the future with him and focus on the present. How does he make you feel? Are you happy?
We are so busy trying to be taken off of the market these days that we are giving heavy consideration to men who just might not be worth it.
Decisions- Phase Three
For many things in life, it is important to look at performance over time. In dating, the only thing that we really have control over is what we are bringing to the relationship. That includes the boundaries that you need to make yourself feel safe. Keep those top of mind.
If you are dating someone and they are routinely crossing your boundaries and making you feel disrespected, they have officially become candidates for the bench. They are definitely not ready to become a starting player in your world (more on that later).
As women, all we need to do is focus on the relationships in our lives that we feel good about and allow us to keep our boundaries intact. If we are consistently putting the things that are important to us on the back burner to appease someone else, it can’t possibly good for us long term.
So how does benching help level the playing field?
Let’s get into it…
Bench Press
When you put someone on the bench during the dating process, it means that you are pulling them out of your active dating lineup due to their own bad behavior. Many men are routinely benched by Queens in phase II. No judgment, seriously. It took me a minute to pay attention to the red flags that popped up in my dating world.
If they are misbehaving, put them on the bench until they are worthy of being part of your starting lineup.
These are the types of men who are active candidates for benching during the dating process:
- Mr. Bad Boy: A classic case. Mr. all talk and no action. He usually has a super strong showing in the first quarter and then becomes a no-show later on
- Mr. Misbehavior: This guy’s bad deeds are on a slow burn. More than likely you can feel yourself sliding down on his priority list. From too many missed calls to being a lot more busy doing who knows what
- Mr. Gray Area: Subtly inconsistent and a premium gaslighter, this guy gives you just enough attention so you don’t walk away completely. When he doesn’t do the right thing we often second-guess his intentions and give him the benefit of the doubt
If any of these guys show up in Phase 2 they are all candidates for your bench. Let them know that you are not the one to put up with their nonsense and to give you a call when they get it together.
After all, he’s dealing with a queen, isn’t he? He can like it or leave it but either way, you’ve laid your cards on the table. Once faced with your truth, if they are genuinely interested they will fight their way off the bench.
There will always be the stubborn ones that refuse to compromise for a queen. They stay benched, and honestly that’s what they deserve.
Who deserves to be on your bench??…
If you have a moment, check out my previous post “Queen Vibes”
https://herpicketfence.com/queen-vibes/
