The Dream…
When you become a parent, the dream is always that your child be raised in a loving household. When the relationship between the two parents falls apart things tend to get complicated. At some point, you begin to realize that things aren’t going to work out long-term, and the beautiful tapestry that is your family life begins to unravel. This is the official beginning of your co-parenting journey, where co-parenting boundaries are key.
The dissolution of the relationship doesn’t happen overnight. I would call it more of a slow burn. When you have a newborn, you are living in a somewhat blissful state, of love mixed with exhaustion. With all of the pressures that parenting introduces into your life, if both of you aren’t grounded in your new responsibilities, the cracks begin to show.
In many relationships, parents are able to fight through the tough times, but others will struggle with the new family dynamic. Dinners at home become tense events and heated arguments are the norm now. You look at your child, and wonder how you will keep it all together for them.
Your society-sanctioned dream is beginning to crumble, and the realization that you just might not be able to fix it sinks in. What will your life look like as a single parent? How will it affect your child? These are all of the thoughts that run like a ticker tape through your mind.
My Journey
As you watch things dissolve in real-time, you still hold onto the possibility that things just might work out. That was definitely true in the situation with my ex. I didn’t close the door until I knew that staying together was no longer a viable option.
More than anything, I wanted my child to grow up in a harmonious household. I know far too many families where they are united from a real estate perspective, but living in pure hell on the inside. It really never mattered to me how things appeared to other people. The whole world can think you have a happy home, but only you have to live in the reality, so what is the point?
When our relationship was no longer sustainable, I made the decision to separate our households. It was a big decision, but I knew that it was the right one for my child.
In pursuit of the perfect family dynamic, we often cling to a romanticized version of family life even when reality falls far short. Letting go of that ideal for our child can be hard, and even when things aren’t going well, and we often stay longer than we should.
The key is to take some time to process the loss of your initial ideal, and then go about the business of creating a harmonious household solo for your child. Co-parenting is totally do-able. It’s not going to be easy at first, but if both parents are committed you can eventually arrive at a place where you are both advocating for your child.
The Harmony Initiative
When you divide a household, one of the most important things that you can do for your child is to make the transition as seamless as possible by minimizing disruption.
This can be extremely challenging. Breakups are hard, and it’s safe to say that you are not necessarily each other’s biggest fans in the beginning. The thing is, the most affected party is your child, so even if you can barely look at your ex, you have to do your best to create harmony for them.
If you keep your child at the center of your goals when communicating it can go a long way.
Aligning Your Belief Systems
We all have belief systems, and as co-parents, nothing is more important than aligning them with regard to your child’s well-being. You both may have very different parenting styles and outlooks on life, but you need to meet in the middle and align yourselves on the things that will be fundamental to your child’s well-being and growth:
- Belief System/Morals
- Self-Love
- Social Development
- Academics
This is not an overnight process, and for some co-parents, it can take years to get on the same page. The thing to remember is that effort is everything, even when you are weary, and the interaction is draining. It might not be perfect, but at least it’s a step in the right direction. We all have to start somewhere.
The goal is to get to a place in coparenting where you can peacefully coexist. If you both are able to put your child first everything else will eventually fall into place. At the end of the day, if you are able to sit next to one another at a school performance you’re doing okay.
Now I am aware that some of you are stuck with the coparent from hell. It’s more common than you think. This is the coparent that lives to make you miserable because you had the audacity to leave. Let’s call him Mr. Toxic. You can expect all of the following from him:
- Late Drop Offs
- Minimal Communication
- Constant Contention
If you are dealing with this type of coparent, my advice to you is to control the controllables which is focusing on what is going on under your own roof. Keep taking the high road girlfriend, you will get through it.
If you have a moment, check out my previous post “Single Mother Stigma”
https://herpicketfence.com/are-you-ready-to-become-a-single-mother/
