When people ask me if I’m dating right now, I often say that I’m offline or opting out of the dating pool. It might seem crazy to some, but for me, opting out has been incredibly liberating. I’m honestly enjoying all of the bliss that comes with pouring into myself. This post is about self-discovery and realizing when it’s time to date yourself.
Healing
When I decided to take a break from dating, I was clear on one thing. I was clear on the fact that there was no way for me to figure myself out if I was spending all of my time trying to make someone else happy.
Relationships can be all-consuming, and I noticed that when I was in one, I had a hard time balancing and communicating my own needs. In wanting the relationship to thrive, I would often put my happiness on the back burner, and quiet my usually outspoken voice. This is the opposite of self-love.
I was extremely uncomfortable in that space because I was fully aware that I was shorting myself. I was allowing a relationship to eclipse my needs. As I evolved though, I began to realize that I needed and deserved more.
I slowly reclaimed my space, and when my last relationship didn’t work out, I put my dating life on ice. Instead of jumping into the next “situationship”, I decided to go brave and travel down a path of self-discovery and healing.
It was important for me to do this deep dive and identify the behaviors that ultimately led to me losing my voice in relationships. In my opinion, this kind of soul-searching should be done free of distraction. As much as you want to fill that void with someone new, it really doesn’t serve you.
Losing Myself
I needed to heal, and part of that healing was giving myself grace and forgiveness for allowing my voice to be extinguished. Healthy relationships don’t require you to leave yourself behind. I always felt like I needed to go with the flow, lest I be labeled “difficult”. I didn’t realize that by doing this I was losing a part of myself. In time, my significant other would slide right into the driver’s seat and take me along for the ride.
If I could turn back the clock, I would tell my younger self that communicating your standards is a form of self-love.
Mr. Wrong
It was also important for me to look for patterns in the types of guys that I was choosing. For some reason, I would always end up with raging narcissists who made everything about them. I would drown in all of that charisma and self-confidence, and over time I ended up miserable.
When I took a close look at my dating history, I knew that my response to their all-consuming behavior was the common denominator. I was able to see where not having appropriate boundaries and failing to assert my needs had failed me in the past.
I was then able to heal myself by:
- Forgiving Myself
- Committing To Communicating My Standards and Boundaries From The Start
- Letting Go Of The Past
Restoration
With that done, I was able to get back to my own happiness. I began exploring my passions and joys, and my self-confidence soared. I practiced radical self-love and focused on centering myself so that I could move into my next relationship with clarity and peace.
You can practice restoration in many different ways. Here are a few:
- Explore One Of Your Passions: There is no time like the present
- Self-Love Date: Do something for yourself by yourself
- Self-Love Sundays: Time for that bubble bath you’ve been putting off
- Long Walks After Work: Some of the best soul-searching gets done here
Rebirth
Now that you’ve taken the time to regain your footing, you can be sure that when the right person does come along you will handle things appropriately. You will be able to set your standards, draw your boundaries, and communicate your feelings from a position of strength.
My time offline has allowed me to heal and grow, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Do I wish I had figured all of this out sooner, of course, but it’s better late than never.
Ladies, don’t be afraid to take some time to date yourself. The good guys will be waiting when you’re ready!
If you have a moment, check out my previous post “A Dating Intermission…Is It Time?” https://herpicketfence.com/a-dating-intermission/
