The Matrix
We’ve all been there…we’re sauntering down the street first thing in the morning, in that brand new outfit that makes us feel like a million dollars when someone confirms it. “Hey girl, that outfit is lit!”. That’s all it takes for us to go soaring on that external validation high. External validation can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You decide. In this post, I’m going to tell you about a place called Validation Station. How I got there, why I left, and how you can too.
Validation Station
Have you ever been to the very last stop on the downtown train called Validation Station? It’s easy enough to get to, and once you’ve gone enough times, you can find your way there in the dark. It’s a thrilling place to visit, where you can get a quick boost of self-confidence without having to manufacture it on your own. You may find yourself being drawn back again and again. Stop in and get that ticket stamped, and you are on your way.
It’s one of the nicest stations in Manhattan, free of the usual grit and grime of the other stations nearby. A neon sign flashing “You made it” hangs above the gleaming metal doors. Weekdays see a steady stream of traffic, but weekends are when the station overflows with people looking to get their next fix. When the doors swing open, you will get your very first glimpse of the long mahogany-paneled hallway with marble floors.
The walls are lined with interactive glass window boxes, and behind each lies every different kind of external validation you can imagine. All proven to give you that instant boost of self-confidence that you’ve been looking for with the push of a button. Throngs of anxious people congregate daily in this very hall. Security is a must, and the velvet rope at the entrance is a constant reminder of your place in the queue.
Pick Your Poison
Shall we take a look?
- Window #1- A crowd favorite. With just a push of a button, you will hear a cacophony of approval from a local construction crew while on your way to work. This window is a double edge sword, because although this type of validation is usually unwelcome, at least it’s proof that you’re not invisible.
- Window #2- Maybe you’ll choose that killer Hermes bag behind this window. The bag that all of your friends have been dying for. Push the button and it’s yours for the day. Walk just one block with that bad boy, and your stock immediately goes through the roof. The line for that window can get quite long, so make sure to allow yourself enough time. Just know that at 5 PM it will disappear into thin air, and you’ll be right back where you started.
- Window #3- Behind this window lies the guilty pleasure of being told that you are prettier, more accomplished, better educated, richer, or better partnered than the next girl. That one does the trick every time.
And that’s just a sample of what might await you if you decide to make Validation Station a regular stop. And you will come back, again and again. The boost that you receive during your visit was never meant to be permanent though. This disclosure is clearly stated on the placard near the entrance. You would think that alone would be a deterrent for some, but there has been no shortage of visitors. Many stop off during the workday to keep the positive vibes flowing, only to arrive home later feeling empty again. And so, the cycle continues, and that fleeting feeling is NEVER enough.
The Perils of the Late Bloomer
How do I know this? In my early twenties, I was a frequent visitor to Validation Station. There are reasons for this you know. I consider myself to be a late bloomer, one who had only just started to come out of my shell in college. As a college freshman, I was a quiet observer who stayed in the background. When I became a sophomore that all changed.
During sophomore year, my looks started to come together. I wore my hair in a sleek bob, discovered matte lipstick, and my boyish frame finally started to fill out. Like clockwork, the guys started to take notice, and I fell for this form of external validation hook line and sinker. Guys didn’t pay me a huge amount of attention in high school, and I only had one serious relationship. That set the stage for everything that followed. When I was suddenly “validated”, I had no idea how to process it.
The Fix
All of this external validation made my head spin and became my drug. I relied upon this newfound power and courted it at all costs. When guys told me I looked great, I felt great, but a day of missed compliments sent me reeling. The attention I would get was meaningless of course, but back in my twenties, I really couldn’t tell the difference.
I became consumed with what others thought of me. Invested in it even. One snide remark would send me into a tailspin and compel me to completely re-evaluate my appearance. This wave of self-consciousness would wash over me for days. I may have appeared put together, but inside I was racked with insecurity. I was always surprised when others remarked upon my confidence and composure. If they only knew.
I would routinely plan outfits around which ones got me the most attention from guys. It sounds ridiculous to me now, but back then I chased that external validation high relentlessly. If the compliments didn’t come, I shrank myself down. I felt insecure, unsure, and unsafe. Unfortunately, my entire focus was on my external appearance, instead of paying attention to how I felt inside. If my appearance didn’t meet my/their standards, I would leave a college party early, or maybe not even go at all. It all mattered.
Opting Out
So how did a girl this self-conscious figure out what mattered?
- She practiced radical self-love
- She began to honor herself as a unique being
- She decided not to wait for others to give her the green light
- She made no excuses
- She continually showed up as her authentic self
- She decided she was enough as is
- She realized her worth and moved through life accordingly
Once you decide that you no longer need to seek approval, a weight is lifted, and something inside of you shifts. You become heavily invested in how well you are caring for yourself, and the positive vibes you are sending your own way. You wrap yourself in a blanket of self-love so tight that it cannot be shaken loose by the opinions of others.
We can decide that we are enough. We can decide that we’ve had enough of the impossible standards, the expectations, the benchmarks, the judgments, the objectification, and the untruths that threaten our authenticity. We are good.
Authors note: Shortly after Oprah Winfrey launched her “Live Your Best Life” initiative, the number of visitors to Validation Station dropped precipitously. I don’t go anymore, but I keep a ticket at the bottom of my jewelry box to remind me of how far I’ve come.
