Life is crazy as is, but there are some people who specialize in keeping people unbalanced and off track. They are lovingly known as gaslighters. The people who make you second guess yourself time and time again. Why we continually fall victim to their nonsense is anybody’s guess, but I’m here to call them out in real time. Welcome to gaslighting 101.
Say What?
In our everyday interactions with people, we’d like to think that everyone is behaving authentically. I mean who even has the time to figure out who is stabbing them in the back from one moment to the next?
This is exactly what the gaslighters count on. They feign genuine concern for your well-being while secretly amusing themselves with your missteps. Watching you struggle and react to stressful situations is their greatest reward, and unfortunately, we often make good on that payout.
Gaslighters aren’t usually exposed immediately. When caught in one of their questionable acts, your first instinct might be to give them the benefit of the doubt, but with time you realize that you were always the intended target.
The Scene
Let me set the stage for you. You are up for a promotion and your co-worker Jill (aka Queen Gaslighter) is your biggest cheerleader. She encourages you to go for the job and even helps you hone your interviewing techniques.
You feel great about your chances, and happy to have Jill in your corner. Did I mention that Jill is also on the leadership team? A positive recommendation from her will definitely give you that extra push.
Later on, the bottom drops out of your world as your manager informs you that the entire leadership team has signed off on your promotion except for Jill. You listen incredulously as he informs you that your champion Jill actually told them that you weren’t ready for the promotion.
Sometimes your biggest cheerleader can be your greatest detractor. In this instance, the betrayal cuts deep because you’ve been played in real-time when the stakes couldn’t have been higher.
Ignorance And Deceit
Gaslighters thrive on your ignorance of their deception. They keep their true feelings hidden until the ideal time, and then swiftly pull the rug out from under you. You can count on them to calmly listen to your confusion and disappointment and offer you half-hearted consolations, while you pull the knife out of your back.
It can be hard to read between the lines with the actions of a gaslighter because they are so very good at what they do, but knowing they exist is a game-changer.
Who Are They?
Bad Bosses
One of the biggest pools of gaslighters are bad bosses. They are well aware of the power that they hold over your future livelihood and wield it with precision.
Bad bosses alternate between rewarding you for a job well done and telling you about an off-hand compliment that puts you in a bad light. They thrive on keeping you off balance and in approval-seeking mode.
Narcissists
Narcissists are supreme gaslighters, and with them it is always two steps forward and four steps back. Whether you are dealing with them in a relationship or in the workplace, their main goal is to erode your self confidence and make you totally reliant on them for approval.
You will never reach the high bar that they have set for acceptance as it will keep going higher. In their minds, you never really had a chance of making the cut anyway. You are an accessory.
Frenemies
Your frenemies become very evident as you get older. You know the ones that hang out with you, but when the chips are down fold like a beach chair. Frenemies are the worst because they disguise their true disdain for you very well, and make a sport out of consistently showing support while undermining you behind the scenes.
Getting Off Of The Ride
Gaslighters are horrible people, so it’s time to get off of the merry go round that you’ve found yourself on. Deception is a choice so realize that they are not the victims. They are twisted victors.
Here are four ways to neutralize a gaslighter:
- Don’t react: Never let a gaslighter know exactly where you stand on any issue that is important to you. They will always look for signs of weakness that can be used against you later
- Never buy in: Consider the source. If you are unsure, follow your gut
- Watch their actions/behaviors: Pay close attention to their initial response to your successes. If they are happy for you it should be immediately evident
- Get literal: Make them explain their behavior. When someone isn’t being genuine they will struggle to provide clarity
At the end of the day if something feels off about their behavior it probably is. Just opt out…
If you have a moment, check out my previous post “The Crazymakers…Toxic Co-Workers”
https://herpicketfence.com/the-crazymakers/
