The story usually goes a little something like this. You come home early from work one day to the apartment you share with your boyfriend of three years. It’s been a long day, and you collapse on the sofa grabbing for the remote control buried deep within the cushions, its usual hiding place. In addition to the remote, you’ve also managed to pull out a crumpled receipt. Your eyes widen as you realize that the receipt is for a jewelry store downtown. OMG, could this be it? Is he finally going to propose? You try to stay calm as you do a little happy dance across the living room floor, and you finally feel like you are holding all the cards.
Within moments, you call no fewer than two of your besties and begin discussing place settings and ring sizes. Life is officially perfect. You make a beeline to the kitchen and prepare his favorite meal, nothing can knock you off this pre-engagement high.
Nothing that is until your boyfriend comes through the door later asking you if you’ve seen a receipt anywhere because he needs to pick up his new watch tomorrow after work. And just like that, you come crashing down. It’s game over, and you’re back on the shelf. This post is about waiting to be chosen, and why we actually hold all the cards.
The Waiting Room
So you’re in your twenties and life has taken on a fairly predictable course full of brunches and after-work happy hours. At this point, many women have found someone to settle down and watch Netflix with who they can actually tolerate beyond the occasional Friday night date.
Unbeknownst to them however, they are in a pseudo-waiting area packed with other twenty-somethings who haven’t yet made it to Level 2 of life’s video game called “Marriage”. The waiting area is a very tense place filled with anxious guys who aren’t quite sure if they found the right one and women who are fed up with holiday false starts and rogue receipts.
The Picket Fence
The lone exit to level 2 is down a long hallway. On the other side of the door lies your picket fence lifestyle. This lifestyle includes a husband, a house, two kids, and a dog. There’s a catch though, you need to be ushered through the door by your significant other after much auditioning for the role of a lifetime. You’ve been told for years how great and meaningful life is on the other side. Some might even say that as a woman you’ve been primed for it. Your sole mission now becomes how to make him realize that you are his life partner so that you can get through that door.
The Power Shift
At some point in our twenties the power dynamic shifts between men and women. We go from deciding if we even want to date them, to them deciding if we are actually “marriage material”. Men do the choosing and we do the waiting. Waiting to begin our next chapter and waiting to be deemed worthy. This antiquated ritual has unfortunately withstood the passage of time and puts so much power into the hands of men.
You realize how high the stakes have become as you watch your friends disappear one by one down that long hallway to Level 2. A shocking realization sets in that you just might not get that coveted VIP pass for entrance. This is the point where we as women begin to twist ourselves into pretzels to make the idea of a lifetime with us more palatable to men.
Aunt Vi
You’ve been told for years that if you don’t marry you will become a spinster, like your Aunt Vi down the street that lives alone. And what about the kids you wanted? All that and more is waiting for you on the other side of the door if you could only get there.
Things have been this way forever and put women at a huge disadvantage. Who says it needs to be this way? Who put men in charge of commitment? Why is the choice solely theirs to make? Why do men need to be comfortable with the idea of “us” for a lifetime? Shouldn’t it work both ways?
I’m the first one to say that commitment is a fairly huge deal, that should never be embarked upon without serious thought and consideration.
But…
What About Us?
Why are we as women so very quick to sign on the dotted line with men for the prestige of being “chosen”? Shouldn’t we take equal amounts of time deciding if they are the person that “we” want for a lifetime? Why do we continue to be minor players in the commitment game?
Are we so quick to accept the status quo that we will routinely accept the guy who is great with commitment but on a normal day would send us running for the hills? This powerless dance has been going on for years. It’s time for us to slide into the driver’s seat where consideration for our future happiness is concerned.
Modern Women
The current status quo is totally out of sync with where we have landed today as ambitious and independent women. Women have transcended so many of the societal norms that inhibited our growth over the years, so why have we failed to harness our personal power where commitment is concerned?
Many women will say yes to a proposal because of the powerful validation that is attached to being “chosen”. You’ve somehow managed to tick one more thing off of society’s checklist for women.
The Spin
We tell ourselves a multitude of things to make the pending iffy union more palatable.
- “Of course he has problems, but who doesn’t”
- “I just need to get him down the aisle, everything else will work itself out”
- “He’ll grow into the marriage”
We tell ourselves these things, rather than relinquish the validation that marriage provides.
Consideration
Commitment is something that needs to be heavily considered by both parties. Men are very cautious when choosing their life partners. They often remain on the fence well into the eleventh hour. I am by no means suggesting that women shouldn’t get married, but I am saying that women should begin to take a lot more time and consideration into choosing their spouses. Just like men do.
How many men have you seen run toward a commitment? Exactly. We should be just as cautious when signing up for a lifetime, if not more so because this person will potentially be raising our children.
The New Vibe
Now is the time for women to sit in their worth, and move toward commitment at their own pace. Just because a guy shows up for the role of life partner, doesn’t mean he’s getting the job. Even if there are no other candidates. Would you hire someone professionally that you were uncertain about just because no one else showed up? Of course not. We should take just as much care with our personal lives. I get it, not every man is on the commitment track, and good guys are like a needle in a haystack. The odds can be daunting, but that is no reason to sell yourself short. Know your worth.
Move on your own time when you are at a place in your life where it makes sense. As women, our timeline takes precedence too. It shouldn’t be the norm for us to wait around for a man to be ready. If a man truly values you he will be respectful of what is important to you and at least meet you halfway.
Do You Even Want Him?
Ask yourself if he’s even the right person for you. Does this person truly love you beyond measure? What does a future with this person entail? Look down the road, and think about how your relationship might evolve over time. Does this relationship have what it takes to go the distance? Your time is precious so hedge your bets.
We hold all the cards in our own lives. Let’s become active participants in the commitment that we sign up for vs. just going along for the ride.
It’s time to make men audition for the “honor” of being our husbands if we are in fact interested. We are worthy, so let’s change the game!
If you have a moment check out my previous post “I Belong To Me”
https://herpicketfence.link/a31.
