Are you the kind of person that would rather stay home after a long week? Does the idea of going out after work fill you with dread? Is binge-watching your favorite show the new after-work happy hour for you? Welcome to my world. I am by nature a homebody.
The Origin
Ever since I can remember I’ve associated my home with well-being and safety. A place where I could retreat from the pressures of the outside world. Somewhere I could just be.
In middle school, I clearly remember opting out of after-school phone sessions with my friends for an entire year. I found this continuation of my drama-filled school day depleting, and I needed to draw a firm boundary between my middle school angst and my home life.
That is the earliest memory that I have of using my environment as a means of walling myself off for restoration and inner peace. Instead of interacting with my peers each evening, I would go inward. I listened to my favorite music for hours on end and disappeared into my own peaceful world. If you want to learn more about my strategies for inner peace, check out my previous blog post “Going Inward in 3 Steps” https://herpicketfence.link/fn4.
This was the beginning of my introverted life. Upon further introspection, I can also see that this was the beginning of my efforts to control the external stimuli I was exposed to. At school, everything was out of my control, but at home, I wanted peace. It was to be protected at all costs. Even if it meant being less accessible to my friends.
Safe Spaces
I would arrive home from school with great relief every day. My parents were both working, so I would let myself in and proceed to set up my Hygge (pronounced hyoo-guh) environment. For those of you who may not be familiar with Hygge, it is the creation of a warm atmosphere and enjoying the good things in life with good people. Think candlelight meals with friends, hot chocolate, and warm blankets. The Danish have been doing it forever, and I guess I was too in some ways.
I would turn on the ABC Afterschool Special and make myself my favorite snack of toast with butter and jelly (I could only use the toaster when my parents weren’t home). My next move was to curl up under a fuzzy blanket on the couch and watch my show. This was bliss for me. No matter how stressful my day at school was, I had that.
The late afternoon sun would filter through the living room windows and calm me. That was my safe space every day. For a long time. It was my little piece of serenity until the rest of my family arrived home at dinnertime.
Introvert Express
An introvert is defined as a typically reserved or quiet person who tends to be introspective and enjoys spending time alone. This has always been me 100%.
As I got older, the scenery and rituals changed, but my need to create a safe space for myself remained the same. Boundaries became like air to me and I realized that in order to process the complexities of life, I needed this time alone. My alone time was my calming time, and it also became a way for me to deal with change.
College Social
The college years were a rollercoaster of non-stop interaction and fun which I loved in doses. A late night of partying was usually chased by a day of sleeping in and not answering the phone. The college version of restoration.
I would definitely call myself an extroverted introvert. I loved interacting with people, but it was more about balancing that social activity with my other needs.
My friends knew this about me and more or less accepted it. I would go out to parties with them, but definitely could not be counted on to join them at the next location. If I felt my energy waning, I would make a quick retreat back to my apartment.
New York Hustle
Once I moved to New York City to start my career, the balancing act got a little tougher. In the beginning, I literally had no friends, so I morphed into my middle school routine of a TV and a snack after work. This time instead of the ABC Afterschool Special it was The Oprah Winfrey Show. The pace of New York City was so much faster than any city I had ever lived in, and I was overwhelmed. Each day after work, I would run up the steps to my 4th-floor Brooklyn walkup, and try to catch her show.
Oprah’s show became my safe space until I got acclimated to my new home. With all of the activity buzzing on the streets below, this was my introverted way of coping with change. Of course, over time I did adjust and eventually became a part of the city life that unnerved me. When you first move to NYC, it feels like everyone is in on the secret of survival but you. For an introvert, it can be daunting. My mom would say “Stephanie you have to make some friends”, and she was right. I couldn’t hide in my apartment forever. So I eventually found the courage to step out of my comfort zone.
My curiosity about my new city saved me, and I learned to balance my introverted needs in real-time. I mean who can really say no to the nonstop parade of nights that never end? As a twenty-something, it was hard to resist, even for an introvert. I realized then that even though I did enjoy being home and found it restorative, there was a whole world outside of my door that was worth exploring. I could do both.
The Pandemic Clause
Fast forward to the Covid-19 Pandemic, when the entire world shut down. We were no longer expected to be anywhere, and for once it was okay to be a homebody. In my experience, I don’t think homebodies have ever been celebrated. Tolerated but never celebrated. If you are a homebody like me, I know you are super familiar with the eye rolls and exasperated sighs that you get from your friends once you announce you’re headed home. We are completely misunderstood because we do like to mingle, we just do it in doses.
During the pandemic, there was no pressure to attend forced mingles for work or home. Workplace dynamics changed and became more boundary-oriented, and Zoom became the venue of choice. All of these changes were a big win for introverts like me.
The New Standard
The new vibe is being intentional with your time wherever you feel comfortable spending it. I think the pandemic taught us what is important in life, and how tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us. Spend your time where it feels right.
As for me, I continue on my path of occasional seclusion and restoration because it’s my thing. It allows me to process things going on in my life in a meaningful way without distraction. I actually enjoy my own company, and I believe that finding joy in peaceful solitude is a superpower.
These days the party is wherever I want it to be.
