What is commitment really? A declaration that you are in it with that person for the long haul come hell or high water? A lifetime of consideration and thinking as a couple vs. an individual? Is this way of being even sustainable these days? Who do I belong to you ask? I belong to me. This post explores my questions about commitment.
Personal Freedom
Personal freedom has always been incredibly important to me. There are so many things in this life that are out of our control, that I at least want a hand in the direction my life is heading in. Within our society, there has always been a certain amount of pressure to conform to the ideals that have been established for women. Whether it suits you or not, you are expected to shrink yourself down to fit into that mold. Marriage also falls within our preordained expectations. It is a necessary checkbox for a female life well lived. I’ve never been okay with any of this because societal expectations and rigid ideals make me cringe in every way.
Shouldn’t we take this one life that we have been given, and structure it in a way that makes us happy? In my opinion, conforming to a life that is not uniquely yours isn’t living. It would be like walking into a cage with no key, and I’ve never been interested in that. Why should society’s ideals determine my destiny?
Party Of One
Because I was committed to my own sense of autonomy, I had no problem at all being a party of one. If being single meant that my happiness was always primary, I was okay with it. It felt easy and peaceful to me. I’ve definitely been in my share of relationships, but there has never been a time when the relationship itself eclipsed my need for personal freedom. I never let it. Once I became an adult, I stepped into the full weight of my personal responsibility.
It felt great to be fully accountable for my own success or failure. Like anyone else, I would set goals for myself and all of my energies would go toward achieving those goals. If I happened to be in a relationship at the time, I would only give so much to it, before turning my focus back to my own goals. I guess you could say that I wasn’t the best at finding balance, but somehow my goals always won. As an introvert I figured I was on my own anyway, it just felt natural.
Control
Another reason why autonomy was so important to me was my fear of being controlled. I never wanted my relationships to consume me to the point that my individuality and aspirations got lost. When you are in a relationship, there is an ever-present need to consider the other person. As a party of one, I never had to worry about my happiness taking a back seat. Now some might think that sounds selfish, but for me, it was a matter of survival.
After a while, I got used to living in that bubble, and the dynamic didn’t change until I became a parent later in life. In my mind, I couldn’t lose control of my happiness if I never handed over the keys to it. The bottom line is that I didn’t trust anyone with my future happiness. But was it about them or was it about me?
Commitment Or Ownership
I have so many questions and concerns about this topic. Does commitment = ownership? Does it mean that no matter what ride your partner takes you on through your shared lifetime, you can’t unbuckle your seatbelt and get off? Are you stuck in a bad play just because? These questions have always danced around in my mind when I’ve thought about marriage and commitment. How much of my individuality and personal freedoms was I expected to relinquish in pursuit of a partnership?
Commitment-Phobe?
I’ve realized over time that I may actually be a little afraid of commitment. It’s not always the guys, women have real concerns too. I’m not afraid of it in the sense that I’m choosing the wrong person. I’m more afraid of choosing that person, and then them becoming someone that I don’t recognize anymore. We are always evolving (most of the time), so this is totally plausible. Does this chosen person now have control over my destiny? If I want to go climb a mountain in Nepal for two months do I need to rule that out?
I Have More Questions…
What does commitment really encompass? Does our partner now have free reign to put you through things that you never signed up for? Do we continue to pour ourselves into this commitment mold indefinitely, even if the union isn’t working? Is there a threshold to the level of sacrifice we are required to make? How much of our individuality are we expected to sacrifice to be part of it? If you commit to someone for life do they now own your future? Does every future decision have to be made in lockstep?
I’ve always struggled with these concepts surrounding commitment. I wondered if it was possible for both people in a relationship to meet their goals simultaneously, so neither feels left behind or resentful.
Familiarity Breeds Contempt
I think that when there is a certain level of comfort or familiarity in a relationship, the door is always open for one person to take the other person for granted. You may also be faced with a situation where one person stays static as the other person continues to grow. If you are growing and your partner is not, it’s easy to feel like your wings are being clipped. Is it fair to hold someone in a static position with you just because? Does the commitment supersede everything?
Personal Freedom + Partnership
I’m sure it all comes down to communication and of course trust. If you are in a partnership, I think the goal is to make sure that you are with someone who also champions your individuality, and allows you to grow without feeling threatened.
As I grow and evolve, I’ve pondered many of these questions in an effort to find a path to a partnership that keeps my sense of individuality and autonomy intact. Is it possible? I think so, it just may take some time to find it.
Never lose your individuality in life, just find a partner that celebrates it!
If you have a moment, check out my previous post “Defying Expectations As A Single Woman” https://herpicketfence.com/defying-expectations-as-a-single-woman/.
