How many of us are keeping a portion of ourselves locked away? Do you give your loved ones just enough information to satisfy them, but never enough for them to really know you? Is this your story too? I’ve never been truly emotionally available to anyone. It never occurred to me to be more transparent to deepen my connection to others, or that it was even necessary. With time though, I realized that my fear of being seen and a lack of trust in others was driving this. I used to see my private inner life as an advantage, but I now see its limitations as well. This post is about my journey to become emotionally available.
The Independent Introvert
As a child, I was very much an introvert, so I would deal with my emotional upsets internally. By the time I was a teenager, I had gotten used to keeping my pain private. I became a one-woman show, who never truly relied on anyone for anything. I believed that I needed to keep my pain hidden, lest I be considered weak. To me, the path from vulnerability to weakness was a straight line.
Vulnerability And Weakness
Showing any sign of vulnerability or weakness was the last thing that I wanted, so I kept all of my heartaches to myself. All of my energy was geared toward my own emotional self-care, and shoring myself up as needed.
When you become adept at being your own soft place to fall, you become an adult that isn’t used to needing it. At a certain point, I became skeptical that anyone would be capable of understanding and being that for me. I’m not even sure if I actually wanted them to.
At the time, I believed that neediness was equated with weakness. If I never needed anyone then they could never disappoint me. Also, if I held back and didn’t share my own pain, I wouldn’t have to make myself vulnerable to them.
Don’t Need Me
Because of my early experiences with self-healing, I developed an aversion to neediness. If you needed me too much as a partner or as a friend, I saw it as a distraction from the self-care that I needed to provide for myself. This was not based on selfishness at all, it was truly based on fear. The fear of not being enough or having enough to take care of myself emotionally. As a result, I gravitated toward people who didn’t need me or were more like me.
In Friendships
From a friendship perspective, I rejected the best friend label because it felt too intense for me. The idea of all of my “friend hopes” being placed on one person made me uncomfortable. Again this goes back to my inability to rely on anyone other than myself.
In Relationships
As for my relationships, I definitely sought out the guys who didn’t need me too much, and unfortunately, a few narcissists made it through my screening process. You can guess how that went. For some crazy reason, these relationship choices made me feel safe. They would never ask me for more than I was willing to give because we were doing the same dance. We were both hiding. Ultimately I would end up being disappointed that they weren’t who I wanted them to be.
But who was that? At a certain point in my relationships, I would demand authenticity from a person that was wired just like me, when I wasn’t giving it myself. Was this fair? Probably not. I knew that I had never been truly transparent in any of my relationships, and kept at least a quarter of my inner life walled off. Giving them too much access was like offering my vulnerabilities to them on a platter. This was something I wasn’t interested in doing.
The relationship would then become stymied by an unwillingness to compromise on either side. I realize now that when I chose someone that had the same issues as me, I lessened my chances of making a real connection.
On the flip side, I viewed the men that made themselves emotionally available to me with disdain. The emotionally unavailable part of me saw them as weak. I now know that the weakness that I was perceiving was totally on my side. When you are steadfast in your unwillingness to be vulnerable, all you are doing is hiding from real connections. Hiding doesn’t make you strong.
My Bottom Line
The bottom line is that I didn’t trust anyone enough to be vulnerable with them. Learning how to be emotionally available, would require undoing years of hiding. I didn’t even think it was really necessary until fairly recently, but still, I wanted to learn.
Healing
In order to change my perspective on vulnerability and establish real connections, I knew I had to make a change. If you are ready to let go of your fears of emotional availability and vulnerability, then let’s go!
Here’s what I did:
Acknowledge Your Wiring
Do you avoid vulnerability like the plague? Take a look back at your upbringing, and see if you can identify any contributors to this mindset. The information from your past can totally inform the present and bring you clarity.
What Was Your Role?
We always want to complain about dating the same men over and over, but we must play a part in these choices, right? Think about why you chose that person in the first place, and what personality traits attracted you. I’m willing to bet that you will see a pattern. The key is to identify the experiences in life that shaped you, and how you’ve been showing up in your relationships. For me, I kept a little part of myself tucked away because I thought I needed to. This certainly couldn’t have helped things. I needed to acknowledge that.
Put Authenticity First
Life is so short. Do we really have time to be anything less than authentic? Show yourself to your loved ones, scars and all, and you will be surprised at how it deepens your connection.
Reward Vulnerability
Don’t punish people who have the guts to show you their vulnerabilities. In the past when I received what I would call an “overshare” from a significant other, I would pull away out of instinct. I guess I didn’t want to carry the responsibility that came with bearing witness to their admission. Once that vulnerability was out of the bottle, would they expect me to do the same? I now understand that sharing your vulnerabilities is a strength, so when someone is brave enough to share, I thank them for it.
Become Emotionally Available
Becoming emotionally available can definitely be hard, but what’s not to love about you? If the connection is real, your admission will be met with grace. If not, you’ve found out sooner than later. These days I make a point of sharing my inner life with my family and friends. It feels empowering and authentic.
To make real and lasting connections, you must open yourself up to taking some real emotional risks. If you have a moment, also check out my previous post “Meet Me Where I Am” https://herpicketfence.com/meet-me-where-i-am/
You can do this!
