As women, we seek friendship and sisterhood from a very early age. Some of these friendships are sustained and grow stronger over time, while others collapse under the strain of life’s circumstances. This post is about the friends we lose along the way and the friends we keep.
Drama Free Elementary
Do you remember your very first elementary school bestie? Maybe you met her on the first day of elementary school. As you sat alone during recess panic-stricken, she made her way over to you and asked if you wanted to jump rope with the “cool girls”. She was already “in”, and this tiny bit of generosity validated your place in this coveted girl group. Or maybe you bonded with someone else over all things Barbie, which then led to sleepovers and Barbie wardrobe swapping.
These were the kindest and easiest of friendships. They were uncomplicated and completely drama free. Many of the pressures that would come later (boys, puberty, etc.) were largely absent. It was all about commonalities and fun. Nothing more, nothing less.
As a child, I didn’t have a tremendous amount of self-confidence, but I had just enough to put myself out there and make friends. On the flip side, because I was an introvert, I was often shy in new situations. I would usually seek out one friend that I could trust and leave it at that. A change in schools would completely upend my world.
My very first elementary school bestie was named Cici. Whatever self-confidence I lacked she made up for. She always knew how to handle any situation, and in my eyes, she was the epitome of cool. Hanging with Cici always made me feel like I was on the inside track. She was the queen bee, and I was the reserved co-pilot, offering insight from the sidelines. We just got each other and accepted each other as is. Our friendship continued unmarred until our elementary school closed and we were moved to different schools.
Middle School Mayhem
Friendships during middle school were a bit more complicated. The boys were noticing us…at least some of us. I was a late bloomer complete with all of the markers of awkwardness. I was super skinny, with braces, and out-of-control hair. At the time, I wasn’t comfortable enough in my own skin to embrace my curls and all of the imperfections that made me unique.
During middle school, our external appearance started to factor into our social success. We were quickly stratified into 3 groups:
- The girls who were pretty and popular
- The ones who were stuck in the middle like a second-string team
- The ones who weren’t considered at all
At that age, we didn’t really understand how meaningless it all was, and there wasn’t much talk about self-love and acceptance. I guess we could have all used some coaching on that.
As you might imagine, this scenario bred competitiveness and feelings of angst within our girl groups. If you are looking for the roots of female jealousy, here it is. We were all struggling to get to the top of the external validation pyramid, where we would be viewed as most desirable. The girl that all the boys wanted to date. We bonded over clothes, the latest makeup, and hairstyles all in an effort to be validated.
Birds Of A Feather
By high school, the old adage “birds of a feather flock together” largely held true. We were struggling to find ourselves and seeking as much freedom as possible.
When I was in 9th grade, my mom was super strict. My whereabouts were closely monitored, and I always had a curfew. Some of my besties were given way more freedom than I was, so over time we drifted apart. When you are constantly missing all of the Friday night parties, you have way less to talk about.
There were 3 main groups:
- The Miss Independents- The girls who could basically go anywhere at any time and do anything
- The Curfew Queens- You could go out but with stipulations (my group)
- The Ladies on Lockdown- The girls who were never allowed out
Because of this, many of my friendships were based on commonalities and proximities versus any real bond. My true high school friendships were sustained, but the rest fell away as I moved toward the next chapter in my life.
The College Years
The college years are when you develop some very solid friendships based on sisterhood. During this time, you are truly leaning into your independence and figuring yourself out. As you do this, your self-confidence soars, and you begin creating bonds based on the woman that you are becoming.
I have found that many of my college friendships were sustained for this reason. I had evolved so much between middle school and college, that my college friends were more in line with who I had become as a person. There is one exception to this though. I have a bestie that I met in middle school who is still one of my closest friends to this day. I call her my day one.
The Ones Who Get You
Once you’ve passed through all of the different channels in life, you’ve picked up a varied group of friends. A few may be from elementary, mixed in with some high school and college friends.
This collective won’t hold though. Life circumstances will intervene, and many of us will take different paths. With that path will come a realization that the only thing that kept the friendship going was proximity or shared circumstance. Once a change is introduced, unmoored friendships gradually fade away.
There are also those friendships that are contentious. For some reason or other, you are always at odds with this person. There are many times when you are literally one argument away from ending the friendship for good. The effort made to get on the same page with that person just doesn’t seem worth it anymore. So eventually, they do end.
Then there are the ones that just get you. Your friendship has sailed through all of life’s challenges and changes and has remained intact because you just get each other. There is a shared trust that you truly have each other’s backs, and wish each other well.
I have a bestie from middle school, and no matter what life throws at us, we truly stay genuine with one another. The effort is there because we understand one another. Her intention is always clear and we accept each other as individuals, flaws and all. These types of friendships sustain because they are built on genuine love and truth. They go the distance because they are real.
Chosen Family
Now that I’m older, I am very intentional about the friendships that I choose to sustain, and I keep my circle small. I call them my chosen family because at times they have been closer to me than actual family members.
With my chosen family there are no airs, misconceptions, or keeping score. What does exist is a genuine wish to be there and show up for the other person. The people who get you and accept you wholly for who you are.
As I mentioned previously, I am an absolute introvert, so being intentional about my small inner circle allows me to show up as the best version of myself from a friendship perspective.
Be selective about those that you keep around you. Time is your most valuable asset, and it should be spent with the people that you care deeply about. Some friendships weren’t meant to go the distance and that’s okay. Sometimes that friendship serves to teach us something or even to help us transition to a different life experience.
The Bottom Line
Friendships should be easy. If they are fraught with contention and strife it may be time for you to think about moving on. You may decide to keep them as friends, but you may need to relegate them to a more casual status with less access, to keep your stress level down.
Keep your circle small and filled with genuinely good souls who wish you well, and you can’t go wrong.
If you have time, check out my previous post “External Validation and Opting Out” https://herpicketfence.com/external-validation-and-opting-out/
