Status Quo
As women, we can all agree that marriage has been ingrained in our society and culture as the end goal. Whether you dreamed about it while drawing hearts in your notebook as a teenager, or realized the importance of it when all of your friends started getting married in their late twenties (like me). It was called “The Other Degree” because many women were sent to college with the strict edict of finding a husband while they were there. I completely missed that memo, and just lived my life.
This post examines the different paths we take as women as we journey into adulthood. For some, it does lead to the traditional family that society has lauded forever. For others, the women who never married, we live like salmon fighting upstream against society’s strong current. This current threatens to disqualify our very being because we have failed to meet the traditional markers of success.
Good Will Hunting
You may call it the college experience, but some moms see it as the husband-hunting experience. That concept was totally foreign to me. To me, college was for getting a degree and parlaying that into a successful career. I remember stepping onto my college campus for the very first time, and feeling like my life was just getting started. So many opportunities lay before me, both personal and professional. There were so many different guys to choose from, and I found them to be way cooler than the guys at my small-town high school. I viewed them as entertainment while on location, but nothing beyond that. I know now that the recipients of the “Find Your Husband” memo were scoping out their future husbands at the same time. That memo never landed in my inbox, so I cruised along blissfully unaware. I was still figuring myself out, and I had no idea what to even look for in a partner.
I knew some couples who were dating seriously during freshmen year, but most didn’t survive the college experience. There were just way too many options for both men and women. I enjoyed this period of freedom without expectations. It allowed me to experience personal growth that would never have been possible if I was focused on finding a man. I had been in a relationship during the latter part of my high school years, so college was my time to explore what was out there.
The Marriage 4×100 Relay
College came to a close for me, and I moved to the land of perpetual singledom…NYC. My career in pharmaceutical sales was just starting, so much of my focus went there, and the rest looked something like this:
- Crush my career
- Pay my rent on time
- Save money for cute outfits
- Save money for the club
1st Leg
I’ll call this period the first leg of the 4×100 relay. The 4×100 is a track race where a team of four runners each runs 100 meters while passing the baton between them. At the beginning of the race, post-college, we all start from the same place, but things quickly change. Once the race begins some of us stumble, some drop the baton before they can get to the second leg (a serious relationship), while others power through by sheer will to land that exclusive relationship. This was a great time for me because I felt none of the pressure that would come later.
After a few years of dating casually, and re-running the first leg of the race, I got tired of the club scene in NYC, and the guys that came with it. I was maturing, and I got serious about finding someone special. To me, this meant someone to stay home and watch TIVO with. Again, marriage NEVER entered the equation. My idea of marriage at that time was like someone sucking all of the air out of the room.
2nd Leg
The second leg of the 4×100 is when you find that special someone and you come to a mutual agreement (after much drama), that you are exclusive. Some men must be dragged kicking and screaming, while others walk into the cage with resignation, with the door clanging loudly behind them. I eventually did meet someone who made me laugh, and whom I enjoyed hanging out with. I would say this was a period of semi-bliss for me.
How long you stay on Leg 2 is everything. Overstay and you will see your youth get sucked out of the window, like the ticket on your windshield that you didn’t know you had. I am a creature of habit, so if I’m comfortable with something, I relax into it and have to be pried away. Some women move quickly through Leg 2 by initiating conversations about the future after the first year or two. You know those conversations:
- Where is this going?
- Do you see me in your future (cringe)?
- Do you want a family?
If the response was positive, and your significant other saw value in committing to you, you were quickly ushered into Leg 3, baton firmly in hand. During this period, legitimate discussions took place on where they would live as a couple, and jobs that would keep them in the same city. All discussions were based on “we”.
If the response was negative, the dreaded ultimatum would come, and while some women got the affirmation they were looking for, others felt the pain of their value being discounted and moved forward alone.
As for me, I languished on Leg 2 for seven whole years, and was okay with it, until I wasn’t. I saw no urgency and was content with my steady cocktail of career and companionship. I felt like I was winning. I didn’t give much thought to whether we had a future or not.
3rd Leg
As time went on more of my friends moved on to the 3rd Leg. This was the leg where things progressed toward a partnership with the “right person”. These women had somehow managed to crack the commitment code. In NYC, finding a guy who is ready to commit to a lifetime of weekend trips to Target isn’t easy. As for me, I just kept on the Stephanie track. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it (or so I thought).
4th Leg
The 4th leg was the most important leg of all. You were competing for the ultimate prize, which was the distinction of being valued enough to be proposed to. The “Money” leg. Women usually arrived here following months of negotiations, and multiple trips to the jewelry store. These trips usually bought the men a few more months of freedom. This is the leg where you got engaged and married in quick succession. Women who were “lucky” enough to be chosen, were lauded and celebrated for getting their men to do the one thing that all women had been primed to do…commit to marriage. Marriage was the ticket to your picket fence experience, complete with a husband, a house, and two perfect kids.
Thoughts
I can’t say that I looked on with envy when my friends began moving forward with their lives because in truth I wasn’t sure if I was with the right person. I will say that I was concerned. I wondered if I was making a mistake by not being more considerate of society’s supposed “timeline” for women and marriage. At the same time, the idea of being tethered to just anyone was frightening to me. Marriage is a big commitment, and it needed to be with the right person. By the time I was thirty, many of my friends and co-workers had gotten married. Marriage fever even infiltrated the workplace, and each new year brought a flurry of mandatory donations for wedding and baby shower gifts. It was around that time that I began to feel the weight of societal expectations. All of a sudden I was standing in line at Club Marriage. The price of admission was finding a man who thought enough of me to make me his wife.
But Wait…
I have questions. Why are we as women made to feel inadequate because we haven’t met this marker? What if you are just not ready? Does this disqualify you as a woman? Should we be rushed into considering marriage with significant others who may not be right for us long-term? When will marriage for women stop being the great qualifier? I’m all for partnership, but to what end? And at what expense for twenty-something women?
I have chosen the alternate path, and I will tell you it took me a while to come to peace with society’s expectations. I validated my own experience as real and valuable, and haven’t looked back.
Solutions
- Be at peace with your chosen path
- Create your own life and lean into it
- Determine what qualifies as success for you
In other words…”Do your thing girl!”
