Through thick and thin, good and bad times, at least you have your family, right? Family is that built-in construct that you can turn to when the universe deals you a bad hand or turns its back. Your family is there to acknowledge your flaws and tell you to get back on track. That is all true unless some of your family members are toxic.

As part and parcel of this built-in fanbase, we are expected to put up with any and all nonsense that they may put out, even if it’s unhealthy. They are family after all. Let’s talk about it.

But We’re Family…

Within every family lies a multitude of personalities, figureheads, and character clashes. In friendships, you get to choose who you will spend your time with based on shared interests and just getting each other. Not so with family. Your family has been determined from birth, and no matter how different you are, you must co-exist in the same sphere.

How many of us have family members that we continually clash with? Within this toxic dynamic slights and character assassinations become the norm, and it’s all trivialized by one statement, “But they’re family”.

That one statement is supposed to absolve the offending party of any and all accountability. Your feelings are then tabled until the next obligatory get together.

Collateral Damage

We have been conditioned to believe that if a family member hurts us, we must sweep it under the rug. Even if it happens continually. “He is who he is”, they often say. This leaves the offended party with no real way to protect themselves from the next barrage of personal attacks.

One of the liabilities with family, is that because they’ve known us forever, they know exactly which buttons to push to send you spiraling. Sure you can speak up, but how long do you stand in the line of fire?

Family On Ice

How much time should we let pass before we re-engage with a known toxic situation? Should we let the behaviors go unchecked indefinitely? How many times should we suit up with protective armor before attending a family event? Allowing a family member to repeatedly disrespect us isn’t love, it’s toxic.

Family Not Friends

Do you have friends that you are actually closer to than some of your family members? I do. In the past, I will admit that I’ve felt slightly guilty about this, but now that I’m older, I feel differently. Family members don’t always treat you better than your actual friends. Since the bond runs deeper with family we expect them to be a certain way. Wishful thinking I guess.

I think the mistake that we make is assuming that your family members are always going to be a friend to you as well. We need to start viewing family members in the role that they show up in. We connect with family to celebrate our shared history. Let them be family, and if you are lucky enough to have a great friendship as well, you are winning. We need to keep our expectations realistic. Let family be family and friends be friends.

Toxic Access

I like to be treated with love and respect universally. There should never be a group that is allowed to mistreat you indefinitely, no matter who they are. That’s just crazy. It’s tough within families because it’s hard to remove yourself from the toxicity, and family gatherings are a constant access point for the offender.

The key is to realize that you are never trapped in a toxic dynamic indefinitely. You have options, which leads me to…

Love With Boundaries

Access Points

All family members don’t deserve the same access to you. Start by determining which relationships bring you joy and uplift you, and which are draining you dry. Keep your expectations low, and spend time with the loved ones (friends included) who treat you with love and respect.

Time-Out For Toxics

The ones who aren’t treating you appropriately don’t get access. It’s that simple. Sure you can spend time with them over the holidays, but if it’s not healthy, it doesn’t go beyond that. Practice loving them from a distance.

A Personal Perspective

I used to be really reactive to the different personalities within my family dynamic. I’m one of four children, and we are all very different people. Whether our values align or not, it’s not okay for me to project my expectations of them on them. I need to accept them for who they are today.

In addition, it is within my power to opt-in or out of any dynamic that doesn’t feel healthy to me, and give access where I deem appropriate.

Let family be family, and go about your business…

If you have a moment, check out my previous post “Feeling Triggered…”

https://herpicketfence.com/feeling-triggered/.

❤️ Stephanie