I don’t know about you, but I feel like my twenties went by in a flash. You could easily spend your time working, partying, and engaging in any number of hot mess pursuits, without care. No one would really judge you because you were in that magical age group, the “twenty-somethings”. If you’ve read my previous posts, I’ve taken you on my journey towards womanhood, starting with my experiences as a child. For better or worse, each phase builds upon the other. In this post, I’ll share my experiences as a thirty-something single, and how I realized I was waiting for permission to live unconventionally.
Bridesmaid 5.0
By the age of 30, you may have been asked/chosen/begged to be a bridesmaid at one of your friends’ weddings a minimum of five times. It’s all good until you realize with a sinking feeling that you now have to forego that cute little black dress that you’ve had your eye on, for the shapeless teal bridesmaid gown you’ve been assigned. A gown that’s going to destroy your budget. Nevertheless, you rally and participate in all of the pre-wedding events that will potentially wreck you financially. Rinse and repeat 5x. Nowadays, although we love to support our friends, many of us are opting out.
Waiting For Permission to Opt Out- The Bouquet Toss
Because you are single, or something like it, you are routinely hustled to the front of the crowd during the bouquet-tossing portion of the reception. As the bride prepares for this momentous event, someone’s mother whispers in her ear “Throw it to Stephanie or Jen on the right-hand side”. Yay thanks! You’ve played this hand many times before, so you watch with annoyance as the bouquet is tossed. To no one’s surprise, it lands with a thud at your feet.
I could appreciate this ritual the first couple of times I participated, but after a while, it became more of an indictment of my single status. I’ve actually been to weddings where the single women in the crowd have refused to pick it up and walked back to their seats.
Musical Chairs
Do you remember that childhood game musical chairs? You would walk in a circle around a row of empty seats while the music played, and once it stopped, everyone grabbed a chair to sit in. Ultimately one or two people would be left without a seat, which meant game over for them. Once you’ve attended way too many weddings and baby showers as a single, you start to realize that the music has stopped, and you don’t have a chair. This was my reality at that time. I looked around and realized that not only did I not have a chair, but I really wasn’t even sure I was with the right person.
Social Scramble
So doing as I always do, I sashayed off on my own to live my life. Unfortunately, my social landscape had changed, and I found the ground shifting beneath me. Many of my die-hard social circle, who I spent years exploring the city with were totally offline now. Who’s up for ladies’ night? No one. These same friends who used to close the clubs with me, and head off to the diner afterward, were now in a completely different phase of their lives. Their lives now included Thursday night couples dinners and househunting on the weekends.
If you were still single like me, you began an angst-filled scroll through your phone contacts for friends who could still hang out. I became focused on staving off that inevitable feeling of being left at the bar after closing time. I also began to question the choices that I had made in my twenties. It seemed right at the time, but was it really worth it if I was going to be left behind? Did any of it really matter?
Hey DJ
I truly felt like my CD was scratched, and there was no recourse. Was I stuck in my twenty-something phase indefinitely? How do I advance in life, when I haven’t met the qualifications for a thirty-something life? Do I rush towards convention to belong to this new club, or stand my ground? What do these years look like when you don’t have the cherished validation of becoming a “we” and having someone love you enough to give you their last name? Did I need permission to live my life free of convention, when my peers were headed in a different direction? Could I allow myself to build a life that was meaningful in spite of my perceived deficiencies?
I played different scenarios over and over in my head about what I could have done differently to change the outcome. Should I have forced a commitment even if it meant an eventual divorce because I wasn’t truly sure? When you are faced with a quandary such as this, your first instinct is to find fault in your choices, but maybe just maybe we are where we’re supposed to be.
Her Picket Fence
I decided right then to move forward into my future without a guide map. I was no longer waiting for permission to do things differently. You can validate your experience out of self-love, instead of waiting for permission that is never going to come. Of course, you may experience doubt and uncertainty along the way, but that is true in everyone’s life whether you are married or single. With marriage, you put your faith and trust in a partner, and when you are single you place it in yourself. There is no right or wrong path, just the one that you choose. Make it work for you and don’t look back. When you are waiting for permission, you are sacrificing self-growth.
Acceptance
Though my road to personal freedom and empowerment has been filled with different challenges, I’ve learned that settling for a life that is not of my choosing is not an option for me. Life is a beautiful gift as is, and I am okay with the complexities that come with it. No one defines us, we do. So feel free to color outside of the lines, and refuse to be disqualified. You can find out more about how I put this into practice in my previous post “Defying Expectations as a Single Woman” https://herpicketfence.com/defying-expectations-as-a-single-woman/.
If you are in your thirties and haven’t met the usual markers of success (marriage, kids, etc.), take the CD labeled “Expectations” out of your stereo system and put in a new one. My new CD is called “Stephanie’s Jam”, and I’ve been playing it ever since.
❤ Stephanie
