I think we can all agree that the past few years have been super stressful, and many of us have not only gone through major life changes but have also been forced out of our comfort zones. During this time, I’ve been on a journey of self-reflection. I hoped that by reflecting upon my past, I could potentially strengthen my present and future. In this post, I’m going to take you on my journey as I tie up loose ends from my past and build the case for why I am single by choice.
The Matrix
When I was growing up in the 80s, it didn’t occur to me how much societal roles and expectations shaped the woman I was growing into. There were things that girls did, and things that boys did, period. It just was, and I never thought to question it. It’s only now, in retrospect, that I’m able to see how the toys, games, and rituals that I took part in as a young girl were seamlessly guiding me to that expected reality.
- The Easy-Bake Oven: Culinary Queen in the making
- Mini Kitchenette: Girl you better learn to multitask now, your family needs to eat!
- Baby Dolls: Hold that baby’s head up!
- Tea Parties: The first official gossip sesh
During grade school, we jumped rope to songs that succinctly mapped out our future: “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Stephanie with a baby carriage”. Goals.
Once we finished learning how to hold a baby and run a household, it was on to the big leagues: Enter Barbie and Ken. Our heroes and the crowd favorites, who lived a blissful life of decadence and leisure. It was my first crack at managing a relationship. Ken was Barbie’s only option, which was a horrible idea from the start. I loved all my barbies. They signified a future full of glamour, fun, and possibilities that were awaiting me. My very favorite was Pretty Changes Barbie. She came dressed to kill in a fabulous yellow jumpsuit with a convertible chiffon cape. With her sleek convertible and keys to the Dream House, she had it made. All that was missing was a man (sigh). Hello Ken.
The Case for Options
This picture could only be complete if she could lock Ken down. All roads led to Ken, and Barbie’s days were spent lounging by the pool, and planning her dates with him. Unfortunately, since he was her only option, this relationship just HAD to work (sigh). If Barbie also had a Brandon, Idris, and Chris to choose from, wouldn’t that have taught us early on to consider our options vs. pinning our future bliss on one Ken at a time? Once I became interested in boys in around sixth grade, I would always find one object of my affection, and pray that he would notice me.
The Coolness Quotient
Fast forward to middle school, a period of overreaches, awkwardness, angst, and anxiety for me. This was the beginning of the coolness hunger games. Where you could easily be shuffled into several categories indefinitely: Cool girl, blender, or a complete wallflower. I always admired the girls that caught on early. The ones who were effortlessly chic, comfortable in their own skin, and wore Jordache jeans with Bonne Bell lipgloss. Girls who knew the power of a well-timed sashay and wielded it appropriately. It was only a matter of time before the boys, fighting through their own degree of awkwardness realized SHE was the goal.
This realization usually coincided with the first middle school dance. Boys always needed to ask the girls, and God help you if you weren’t on their shortlist. If you were, your coolness was certified early on. Around this time, I became obsessed with presenting the perfect version of myself, so that I would be chosen. I spent hours in the mirror practicing hair styling techniques and wrestling my curls into submission. If I tried hard enough my hair would look like the girl in the Prell commercial. These years were spent trying to crack this elusive code. What would be enough for self-acceptance? If I could go back in time, I would tell the seventh-grade Stephanie to just “be”, and the rest will come. So much power in the hand of boys (sigh).
My Crystal Ball is Covered in Pink Glitter
High School was a slight improvement, but not by much. I became firmly ensconced in the blender category and spent my time going along to get along. I had no idea who I was, or what I wanted to do with my life. At this time, many ideals still revolved around traditional careers for women. True to form, my high school guidance counselors lightly suggested nursing or secretarial careers. It would have been amazing if just one of them had said “Hey Steph, did you ever think about becoming a lawyer?”
Again, these subliminal messages regarding what we were supposed to be doing happened early and often. This all contributed to me having a very fractured sense of self. Societal expectations vs. my authentic identity. Which side would win? I drifted through my high school years experiencing a tremendous amount of inner turmoil, and feeling that I somehow wasn’t enough. My parents both worked a lot, and they did their best, but they were no match for the pressure to conform that I placed upon myself. If only I could be “That” girl.
I graduated from high school and moved into college life without a solid foundation from an identity perspective. It was a tough way to move through a world that praises confidence.
College Social
As a freshman in college, I looked on with envy at my classmates moving through life with purpose and self-assurance. How did they get that way? What was I missing? I realized then that I was relating to my space in the world completely wrong. Instead of finding my unique space in the world, I was desperately trying to align myself with who I thought I should be. It was during this time that I met a guy at a campus party, and he completely turned my way of thinking on its head. He introduced himself and posed a question: “What are you about?”. Simple right? Not for me, because I was stumped. I had no idea how to answer that question. It was then that I realized that some self-reflection was in order. That is when I began my quest to become whole.
Diving Into the Reflection Pool
Before I did the work of self-discovery, I was whoever you wanted me to be. My fear of not making the cut drove every decision, from my clothes to the people I hung out with. I was an expert at blending, and this was the false nucleus that I built my life around. I can look back now and shake my head, but back in my early twenties, it was all I had. An artificially manufactured sense of self. I wish I could say that I figured it all out overnight, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. It took me several years of consistently listening to the inner voice that I had suppressed my entire life. The voice that was genuinely me.
To do something different, and embrace my life in its entirety, I realized that I needed to consider my upbringing and the messages that I received that had shaped me. These messages were heavy-handed guideposts for the benchmarks that society had ascribed to women. I needed to acknowledge it, unpack it, and then have the confidence to reject the information and its source. Once I did that it became clear to me that my life was valid and meaningful, and I did not have to let its course be dictated by society’s expectations.
The Way Back
So what did I do?
- I began investing in the raw uncut version of myself
- I listened intently to my initial reaction to things and what moved my soul
- I began to define what happiness and fulfillment looked like for me
- I leaned into my life choices, even if it meant going it alone
- I became a champion of choice
Doing these things allowed me to move purposefully into a period of healing, and the building of a life based upon my truths. This is work that I needed to do for myself and by myself. I knew that a relationship would be a distraction for me. You have to be able to stand on a mountaintop with your truths, even if you’re up there alone.
To this day I am still in process, but the process is EVERYTHING
